Remembering You, Remembering Me
by illdrownwiththisship
Summary: Amanda gets shot and ends up in a coma for 3 months. What events lead up to the shooting and what will happen when she wakes up and doesn't remember working for the NYPD-SVU... How will Olivia help her find her memories? [Rolivia]
1. Chapter 1

_Summary: _"Amanda, do you know who I am?" I ask without really wanting to know the answer. Seeing her trying so hard to remember who I am breaks my heart. "My name is Olivia Benson," I try to keep my voice steady, "we work together at NYPD, special v-victims unit." It breaks./ "I'm s-sorry but I don't know who you are," her eyes look at me intensely. Now it's not my voice that breaks, but my heart. In a million pieces on the floor of this damned hospital.

_Pairing: _Amanda Rollins & Olivia Benson

_Rating__: _M, just to be sure! :)

_Disclaimer__: _I don't own Law and Order: SVU and it's characters.

_Beta_: Kristin Henkel (Kristin324 on fanfiction/ Sundancer24 on twitter)

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><p>Amanda's POV<p>

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><p><em>I can taste the sweat on my upper lip as my eyes scan the hallway nervously. "Liv?" I whimper softly, afraid to alert the suspect. I take a step towards the only door that's left in this hall. Praying to god that the brunette, I entered the building with, is still alive after she got taken by the perp. Another step and I lean my back against the wall next to the door. "NYPD, drop your weapons," I yell making myself known to basically anyone in the building. I step into the doorway and aim my gun at nothing in particular. I spot a man at the other side of the room, he bends and picks Olivia up from the floor. I immediately aim my gun but can't get a clear shot.<em>

_"One step closer and I'll shoot her brains out," I can't help but shiver at the sound of his voice. If evil had a sound that would be it. I keep my gun up, thinking about how I'm going to get myself out of this one. His eyes tell me what he's feeling. He's scared, angry and feels trapped. Which basically, he is. I lower my weapon._

_ "Sir, my name is Amanda Rollins. I don't want to hurt you, it's not too late to change this situation around." I see him look at me and his brain starts to work. Thinking about every word I just spoke to him. This is the moment. Is he going to fall for it or is he going to flip. He lowers his eyes to the calm woman in his arms. So do I. She looks strong. Her beautiful brown hear falling softly on her shoulders, her piercing brown eyes caught mine intensely. Her eyes tell a whole different story. Fear, sadness and helplessness passed through her dark brown orbs. I can hear her whisper,_

_"Amanda," she's warning me to not do anything stupid. I would know that tone anywhere, she used it a lot on me before. I look back up and so does he. He's going to flip._

_"Sir," I raise my weapon again, "Please," I take another step forward, "don't hurt her."_

_"Someone has to suffer, they deserved what they got. You have no clue what my wife and I have been through." In some weird way I understand where he's coming from. Unfortunately this is not the way. I need to get my partner out of this mess. For whatever reason; if he has to choose between me and her, it'll be me._

_"You want someone to suffer the way you did, sir?" Confirming what he wants is a crucial step in getting the results I want._

_"Yes," His voice is shaky and it confirms that he has a plan but he's most likely not going to pull it through._

_"If you shoot her no one will suffer," I blurt out, locking eyes with the older woman on the floor. I can see that I hurt her but this is how it has to go. "She has no parents, no partner and no kids. She has nothing." I got his attention. "You want to make someone suffer? Take me," I see the woman on the floor shaking her head. The emotions I saw earlier have left and a burning fire has taken place. "Take me and make my mom and my sister suffer. My husband and my 4 month old son, make them suffer." I'm lying. My sister had set me up for murder years ago, my mom is god knows where and I have no husband and I sure as hell don't have a son. The woman on the floor still shaking her head. I'm the one who has no one. I'm the one no one will suffer over. Maybe that's why I'm doing this? Do I know if she has people in her life that will be hurt and saddened by her death?_

_"What the hell are you doing, Amanda" She speaks through gritted teeth._

_"Take me," I put my gun on the floor and walk over to the man holding the brunette carefully with my hands up. "Let her go," almost in front of the man, "Please."_

_I see him looking down at my partner and looking up at me again. "She has no one?" He asks._

_"That's correct, sir. No one," I can't look at her, not now. He lets the arms that's wrapped around the older woman go and immediately points his gun at me. "That's good," I speak with no fear what so ever, "really good," I turn around facing the other woman. His arm wraps around my shoulders and she's just standing there, looking at me with wide eyes. "Run, Liv," I let out a sigh of relief, "please run."_

_"You know I can't do that 'Manda," Why is this all so familiar? I recognize her but I don't know who she is. I know her name but I've never met her before._

_"You want to watch me put a bullet through her skull?" The man obviously got his confidence back now he's sure his plan is going to work. He's going to make people suffer. At least that's what he thinks. I watch the brunette turn around and walk towards the only exit out of this room. Suddenly she ducks to the floor. "What the," I hear from behind me. I can feel his gun pushing against my temple and I know that Liv is diving for my weapon. I raise my arm and-_

_BANG._

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><p>Olivia's POV<p>

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><p>I let my body sink in the chair that's been set up for me 3 months ago. I look over at the blonde that's laying in the hospital bed, frozen in time. A breathing tube coming out of her mouth and IV's hooked to her arms. The steady beeping of the machine lets me know she's still alive besides that you would think she's dead.<p>

"Morning, 'Manda," She hasn't moved since the moment she got shot. Just last week the doctors told me that they weren't even sure if she was ever going to wake up. I promised the guys back at the precinct that I wouldn't give up on her and I won't. I get up and walk over to the sink that's located in the corner of her room and fill the watering-can. I water the flowers that she still gets from Fin and Nick every week.

"We caught another perp today," I put the watering-can back underneath the sink,

"you would have loved this one. He was a real piece of work," I couldn't help but snigger at the thought of Amanda taking a crack at this guy. I know they don't know if she can hear me but if she could she would probably just want to talk about work. They weren't close, it wasn't until after the shooting that they had become close. It wasn't even Amanda's own choice to become close to me. I forced myself upon her, in a way. I have been coming here every day since the shooting. Maybe it was the guilt? She took a bullet for me, on purpose. She offered herself up to save me. It still, till this day, puzzles me as to why she would have done that. Now the blonde was laying here, in this stupid hospital bed, comatose for the past 3 months and counting. I walk over towards the chair and sit down. I take out my book that I've been reading to Amanda for the past week. I figured that if I'm going to be here in this room with her I could at least be pleasant company. Maybe hearing someone's voice will bring her back. Please, god, let her come back to us. I start reading the words but my mind is not fully with the book.

_"You want to watch me put a bullet through her skull?" I can hear the bastard laugh. I turn around and walk towards the door when I spot Amanda's weapon on the floor a couple of feet away. I dive and before I can turn around I hear his gun go off. I turn and aim and shoot 3 rounds in his chest before he can even so much as blink. I get on my knees and crawl towards the blonde who's laying on the floor motionless. I see blood coming from the side of her head and I realize she's been hit. Placing my fingers on Amanda's wrist I feel a weak pulse. I reach for my radio, "Officer down, officer down. I repeat, OFFICER DOWN," I'm yelling. Where's the back-up they had requested. I take off my Kevlar vest and take of my shirt that I wear underneath that. The cold hits me but I don't care. I push my shirt against the side of 'Manda's head trying to control the bleeding. "Stay with me, sweetheart," I look in her eyes, looking for any response. "Look at me, Amanda, stay with me," She blinks, I smile at her as the tears roll down my face. "I'm here, you're going to be okay just stay with me." I hear her trying to say something and move my gaze towards her lips, trying to read what she's saying. It makes no sense so I focus on her eyes again. "It's okay, sweety. You don't have to say anything, you'll be alright." Her eyes roll in the back of her head and I stop breathing for a minute. "No, no, no," My brain feels fuzzy and my breathing is speeding up. I clutch my hands around her face. "Come back to me, Amanda, RIGHT NOW"._

_"Move, ma'am," I hear from behind me and one of the EMT's shoves me out of the way. I stand up and look at my hands who feel warm because of the blonde's blood all over them. I turn them around and there's no piece of skin left untouched by the red liquid. I look up and see 2 guys giving CPR to my blonde partner. I want to move but I can't, I'm frozen in time. Just like her._

The sound of sheets rustling wakes me from my daydream, or well, nightmare. I look up and feel a rush of adrenaline shoot through my body when I see Amanda moving her hand. She lifts it up to her mouth and when I realize she wants to take out the tube I come into action.

"Amanda, sweetheart," a lonely tear rolls down my cheek, "you have to wait, I'll call a nurse."  
>She turns her head towards me, her eyes seem disoriented but finally lock with mine. I let go of her hand and quickly run to her doorway yelling out for a nurse before rushing back to her bedside. "It's okay, sweety, just hold on the nurse will be here soon to help you."<p>

"Will you look at that," Annie, the red-headed nurse walks into the room. "You woke up!" I can hear in her voice that she's just as surprised as I am. I watch the nurse walk over to the other side of the bed. "Amanda, can you look at me?" Amanda turns her head towards the nurse and again takes a while to focus her eyes on Annie. "I need you to stay calm so we can take out your breathing tube, do you understand? Just nod once if you do," Amanda slowly nods her head and I think I'm going to explode with joy. She seems to be understanding simple commands and actually takes in her surroundings. It was one of my greatest fears that when she would wake up she would have lost a lot of her abilities. The doctor warned us that that could happen but the fact that she could understand things was a great, great relief.

Annie was removing the breathing tube so I walked over to the sink and filled a cup with water and grabbed a straw from the shelf under the mirror. Glancing at myself I realized how exhausted I look. Between visiting Amanda, work and trying to maintain my relationship with Brian I didn't get much sleep. I tried to work as much as possible from home or from the hospital. Lately I've been spending more time at the hospital then at home simply because Brian is never there and when he is, we fight. We fight about all kinds of things. Mostly about the time I spent with Amanda. I shake my head trying to clear my mind before turning back around.

I look over to the bed and for the first time in 3 months I see the blonde without a breathing tube. She's rubbing her throat with her hand and I take this as my cue to walk up to her and hand her the cup with the straw. "Here, take small sips. It'll make your throat feel better." I feel Annie putting her hand on my shoulder and giving it a little squeeze.

"I'll notify the doctor, he'll probably come by a little later to run some tests on her," She whispers.

"'Kay, thank you Annie," I smile at her and look back at Amanda who's slowly taking some sips. "How you feeling, you alright?" I sit down next to her on the bed.

"Yeah, I guess I'm alright," she sighs and I can see the confusion on her face, "Just- Where am I and what happened?"

"Oh honey, you're in the hospital. You don't remember what happened?" It's not strange for people who suffered brain damage to not remember what happened but it still frightens me.

"N-no, should I?" Her voice sounds so fragile and hoarse.

"No, that's fine. It'll come back to you. What's the last thing you do remember?"

"I-I just accepted a job in- ah- New York?" It was more of a question then a statement. I felt like I just got hit by a train.

"Amanda, do you know who I am?" I ask without really wanting to know the answer. Seeing her trying so hard to remember who I am breaks my heart. "My name is Olivia Benson," I try to keep my voice steady, "we work together at NYPD, special v-victims unit." It breaks.

"I'm s-sorry but I don't know who you are," her eyes look at me intensely. Now it's not my voice that breaks, but my heart. In a million pieces on the floor of this damned hospital.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading! I would really appreciate it if you would take a moment to review. If you have any ideas of where you want to see this story go, let me know! I have a rough idea of what's going to happen but any input is welcome. Please, please, please let me know what you think!<strong>

Twitter: Britt_KC  
>Tumblr: illdrownwiththisship<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

_Summary__: _"Amanda, do you know who I am?" I ask without really wanting to know the answer. Seeing her trying so hard to remember who I am breaks my heart. "My name is Olivia Benson," I try to keep my voice steady, "we work together at NYPD, special v-victims unit." It breaks./ "I'm s-sorry but I don't know who you are," her eyes look at me intensely. Now it's not my voice that breaks, but my heart. In a million pieces on the floor of this damned hospital.

_Pairing__: _Amanda Rollins & Olivia Benson

_Rating__: _M, just to be sure! :)

_Disclaimer__: _I don't own Law and Order: SVU and it's characters.

_Beta__: _Kristin Henkel ( Sundancer24 on twitter/Kristin324 on )

**Hey guys,**

**Wow, the response I'm getting for this story is overwhelming! I'm going to try and do weekly updates or more when I feel inspired and find the time for it! Like I said in Chapter 1 I have a blast writing this and this writing style seems to be working for me. Thank you so much for your reviews/follows/favorites and I hope you enjoy this.**

**- B.**

**4 Months ago**

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><p><strong>Amanda's pov<strong>

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><p>I feel my head pounding as I step into the elevator. The sunglasses only do so much to block out the bright lights of the precinct. I shouldn't have stayed out so late and I sure as hell shouldn't have had that last drink. I step out of the elevator and take a sip from my hot coffee and pray to god it'll help me get through this day. Every step I take feels like a knife stabbing my spine. "Wow, you look like you've been hit by a truck, 'Manda," the sound of his laughter hurts my head even more.<p>

"Thanks Fin, ya always know how to make a girl feel special," I hear my southern accent come through which I know tends to happen when I have a hang-over, when I'm sick or when I'm tired. My eyes roam over the squad room and I see that Olivia is already nose deep in her paperwork. The only one not there is Amaro which doesn't hurt me that much. The last couple of weeks we've been arguing a lot and it only adds to my stress so I could do without him for a little longer. I walk over to my desk that is positioned across from Olivia's. "Mornin, Liv," She looks up at me and I force out a smile. Normally I have no problem smiling at her, I would do anything to catch a glimpse of hers. But today, today it's just hurting too much. She smiles at me and again I notice how it never really reaches her eyes anymore. I remember the way her eyes would shine when she smiled. Lewis changed her in ways we can't imagine. Ever since I started working here I've been fascinated with Liv, correction, before I started working here I was fascinated with her. Now I am suffering from a huge girl crush. It has to stop, it's ridiculous. I sit down and look at the documents that are placed on my desk ever since I left yesterday.

"You alright, Amanda? You don't look so good," I look up and notice that Olivia is staring at me. She barely responded when I said good morning so I wasn't expecting her to comment on my looks today.

"You too, Liv? Seriously folks, you need to work on your skills." I can hear Fin laughing but the confusion on Olivia's face tells me she didn't hear what my partner had to say to me earlier. "I'm fine, didn't get much sleep." If only they knew I had drove all the way to Atlantic City and gambled away this month's paycheck. I roll my eyes when Olivia's eyebrow lift up. She's not going to let this down.

"You went out or something?" She leans back in her chair and puts the end of her pen on her lower lip. I feel the moisture collect between my legs.

"No, stayed at home. Couldn't put my book down," Making excuses is one of my talents. Being an addict comes with a lot of lying and a lot of secrecy. I draw up to my desk and open the first folder. I let out a sigh.

"Amanda," I take in a big breath, she's really not dropping this.

"Yes. Olivia." I drawl out, feeling annoyed that she just has to keep pushing me.

"Are you going to take off your sunglasses?" I hear her snicker and I once again let out a sigh. Am I going to come up with another excuse or am I just going to take them off. She is going to notice my bloodshot eyes but then again, what I do in my personal life is none of her damn business. I reach for them,

"Why? You want to look me in the eye while you interrogate me?" I cackle. I take them off and start working on my paperwork without looking at her again. Feeling her eyes on me but I choose to ignore it. I'm losing my patience, "Can we just get to work?" I snap out and immediately feel the guilt wash over me. I hate who I become after these long days of no sleep.

"Sure we can," Olivia snarls. Great.

"Look I'm sorry but can we just keep my personal life private?" I fold my hands together in front of me on the desk and look at her. I can see her studying my face when she slowly nods her head.

"Yeah, sorry for prying." She smiles at me and I can feel the butterflies starting to flutter in the pit of my stomach.

A couple of hours have passed since we last spoke and I'm starting to get bored. My paperwork is all done and it's not yet time to go out for lunch. I open up my email on my computer but my eyes drift off to somewhere else. She's playing with her hair, unaware of what's going on around her because she's so concentrated on the task at hand. The older woman is stunning; her olive skin, her chestnut brown hair and her dark brown eyes make for a beautiful face. Her curves make for an attractive and arousing body. Her character makes for a challenge. I've heard the rumors going around when I first got here. First about her old partner and then about a couple of ADA's. No one seems to be able to tame the wild side of Olivia. The ringing of her phone snaps me from my thoughts.

"NYPD special victims unit, Detective Benson," I concentrate back on my desktop. "Mm-hmm… Okay… Yes, we'll be right there." She hangs up and looks towards Amaro's empty desk. "Since Amaro isn't in yet, you mind tagging along, Amanda?" I grab my sunglasses and my jacket from the back of my chair.

"Ready whenever you are," Olivia grabs her jacket and signals towards the elevators, I wait for her to pass and fall in with the steady pace.

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><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

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><p>The smell in the elevator is typical Amanda Rollins. It is fruity but not too sweet, it's spicy with just enough kick. It startles you at first and then it makes you swoon. It's feminine but tough, that sums up Amanda. It's funny how much you can tell about someone from their perfume. It's also strange how fast you start recognizing someone's scent. Since Amanda's desk has been moved across of mine I've grown quite fond of the younger woman's fine fumes and I'm sure that if they would throw me a test I would score a 100.<p>

Besides her amazing smell she didn't look so great today though. The dark circles and bloodshot eyes got worse with every day that passed and could no longer be ignored. I have to do something but how do you get through her walls? I press the emergency button.

"Hey, 'Manda," I face her, "Listen, I get the whole privacy thing but you would talk to me if something's wrong, right?" I haven't always been nice to her. Especially after Elliot left I gave her a hard time, but it's been long enough. Us women, we have to look out for each other. I can see the surprise on her face and I can't blame her.

"If I would?" she asks me. I'm not sure if she's going to play nice or if she's going to use this as payback. I nod to confirm that that was indeed my question.

"Gjee, I don't know," she tilts her head to the side and places her thumb and pointer finger on her chin in a thinking manner, "I always wanted too but then again you weren't really welcoming now, were you?" I guess I deserve this.

"You're right, I wasn't but that doesn't mean I don't care about you," I take a step and stand in front of her, her face now emotionless, "I had the same partner for 12 years and all of a sudden he left, I felt like a little kid who has to learn how to swim without her parents around. I didn't know how to function without him, I was a lost girl but I'm back on track. It's unfair the way I've treated you and Amaro but I hope it's not too late," I put my hand on her shoulder, "I hope we can be more than just colleagues. I hope we can be there for each other outside of work too, you know?" I can see a small smile forming on her lips. I press the button of the ground level floor and the elevator starts to work.

"I'm a piece of work Olivia, you don't know what you're getting yourself into." She smirks.

I let out a sigh of relief, "Let me be the judge of that, 'kay?" I smile back at her and squeeze her shoulder a little before taking my place next to her. The elevator arrives at its destination and we get out. I look at her and she nods once more.

**At the crime scene.**

We step out of the car and walk over to the ME. "What've we got?" I like to cut right to the chase. The sooner we know the details, the sooner we can start our investigation. I watch Amanda walk towards the body that's located behind the medical examiner. I look around me and realize that the perp couldn't have picked a better dumping place. No official roads around, no security cameras and definitely not a lot of people who walk through here in the dark. I focus back on the ME.

"7 year old boy, T.O.D give or take 20 hours ago. He's beaten up badly. Stab wounds, bruises… the whole package. Anal tearing suggests rape. Can't give you cause of death yet, I'll tell you more after the autopsy." As soon as I hear '7 year old boy' my heart rate quickens and I can feel the hairs in my neck stand up. The anger I feel building up in my stomach is trying to make its way out. Somehow I keep it in and just nod at the ME. I walk over towards Amanda who's already making her way over towards me.

"It's a bad one, Liv," I can see that she has tears in her eyes on the brink of falling. "I don't think the boy was killed here. There's tire tracks a couple of feet away from the body, his clothing is ripped and soaked with blood. No I.D. on him so I sent a picture to Fin, he's running it through missing kids now." She walks past me and I look over at the boy who's covered up by white sheets deciding to take Amanda's word on it, I turn around and let CSU do their job.

Amanda is already waiting in the car when I get there. I open the door and sit down in the driver's seat. I need a minute to gather my thoughts. I close the door and let out a sigh. "Does it ever get any easier?" I hear the sadness in her voice and I turn to look at her. I watch a tear roll down her cheek. I reach out to wipe it away with my thumb, my hand cupping her cheek. A sparkling sensation runs down my spine when I touch her soft skin, my hand lingering longer than it should. I feel her lean into the palm of my hand. I stroke her cheek one last time with my thumb before I retreat my hand. We've never been so close with each other. It's different but not awkward or uncomfortable. It scares me but it also excites me. I guess you could say I'm a little surprised. I stop myself from drifting off topic and I put on my best apologetic smile.

"No, it doesn't. Kids are always hard no matter how many you've seen. It's the innocence that gets to us." I remember when I first started working at SVU. The first couple of cases with kids I cried myself to sleep for weeks, months even. "It never gets easier but you will learn how to cope with it better, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess," she smiles back at me and wipes yet another tear from her beautiful face. "Must be nice that you have someone to come home to now, eh?" And this is the first time today that I even thought about Brian. He hadn't come home again last night. Ever since he started working for IA he's been working even more hours than I do. But to be honest, it doesn't even bother me. It doesn't bother me as much as it should.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading and please take a moment to review! I really appreciate it and I know I still have a lot to learn so please any tips or any advice is greatly appreciated! :) I also want to let you know that you can follow me on twitter ( Britt_KC) or on tumblr (illdrownwiththisship)!<strong>

**- B.**


	3. Chapter 3

_Summary__: _"Amanda, do you know who I am?" I ask without really wanting to know the answer. Seeing her trying so hard to remember who I am breaks my heart. "My name is Olivia Benson," I try to keep my voice steady, "we work together at NYPD, special v-victims unit." It breaks./ "I'm s-sorry but I don't know who you are," her eyes look at me intensely. Now it's not my voice that breaks, but my heart. In a million pieces on the floor of this damned hospital.

_Pairing__: _Amanda Rollins & Olivia Benson

_Rating__: _M, just to be sure! :)

_Disclaimer__: _I don't own Law and Order: SVU and it's characters.

_Beta__: _Kristin Henkel ( Sundancer24 on twitter/Kristin324 on )

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><p><strong>Hey guys!<strong>

**Here's a new chapter, yay! I already warned you it's going to be a slow burner but I just wanted to let you know again. It's going to be a bumpy ride especially since they are both strong and stubborn woman who don't put their personal lives up front. I'm trying to stick to the reality and to these characters reality. I want to thank you for sticking to this story and I'm amazed by the lovely reviews I'm getting. Very sweet. This isn't my first fanfic and I have a few stories i'm currently still working on but this one is going so well for me, writing wise, that I think I'll be able to pull it off. So thank you, for reading and reviewing and for giving this a chance. Have fun!**

**Oh! One more thing; this is still 3-4 months before Amanda wakes up. Just to prevent confusion! **

**- B.**

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><p><strong>Amanda's pov<strong>

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><p>It's been two weeks since we found Jamie's lifeless body. After we got back from the crime scene Fin had already got a hit out of the system. His parents reported him missing 2 days before we found him. That's when the horror kicked in. What happened to the boy in those two days? What did they do to him? He had stab wounds, cigarette burns, scratches, bruises and bumps all over his body. Two of his ribs were broken and he had a fractured arm. This boy had been through hell before it finally became too much. I haven't slept in days and this time it's isn't because I'm tending to my addiction but because I don't like what I see when I close my eyes. Notifying the parents had been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my career. The father yelled and cursed, blaming NYPD for not finding his boy on time while the mother collapsed on the floor and just cried. I don't know how Olivia does it, she stayed calm and tried to comfort the parents who just found out their son had been killed while I was fightin' to keep my tears at bay. Fighting to not collapse right on the floor next to the childless mother. Today we arrested a registered sex offender named Joey McComb for the kidnapping, assault and murder of Jamie. We picked him up 4 blocks from where the victim lived. After a 6 hour interrogation he confessed to everything. The case was an easy one but after listening to Joey tell all the details about what happened and between the images that flashed through my head of a young boy's demolished body, I was completely and utterly worn out. All I want is a drink 'cause I know sleep won't come tonight and even if it did I'm not prepared for another night of nightmares. I need to unwind and get my mind off of this case. Maybe dance a little, pick up someone I can spent the night with. It sounds horrible but it's a great way to let go of the horrors during the day.<p>

"I'm goin' out for a drink, y'all with me?" I stand up and look around, staring hopeful at my colleagues one by one. Even if all of them decide not to join me, I'll still go but I can't promise myself that I won't take a cab to Atlantic City.

"Imma call it a night," A little disappointed but Fin also took this case really hard and everyone deals with it in their own ways.

Nick nodded his head, "Um, yeah sure, I'll join," I can't hide the small smile that's playing on my lips. Since I had the talk with Olivia in the elevator I decided to take her advice and give Amaro a break. Not sure if we can actually be friends but at least we can be friendly and have each other's back. "Liv?" He looks over and my eyes follow his, both anticipating the brunette's answer.

"I'm in, I could use a drink," her smile is sad but genuine and it breaks my heart. After all these years it still affect her. It makes me think about my future and how in 15 years from now I'll still feel the pain that I feel today when we get assigned to a tough case like this one.

**At the Bar**

"And- And then he looks at me and I'm like, 'I'll throw handcuffs on you so fast, baby' and that's when he knew and he practically ran away," Olivia's laughter fills the booth and I see Nick rubbing the tears out of his eyes. I love going out with people, I can just watch them for hours. I'm on my third Amaretto sour and I start to feel the alcohol kick in. I'm trying to keep my movement to a minimum and to create as much distance as possible between me and Miss Handcuffs who's sitting next to me. Being so close to her is dangerous. My heart rate is higher and my senses are peaked. I hear every sound she makes and every word she says. I notice every move she makes. When she lifts up her glass of wine, when she runs her fingers through her hair, when she crosses her legs, when she licks her lips or even bites it sometimes. I feel myself pounding and I know I need a distraction. This can't be happening. Not with Olivia. I scan the bar for any potential hook ups when my eyes land on a gorgeous brunette, nothing close to Liv but oh well. Her hair just reaches her shoulders and her body is close to perfection. I have to say my gaydar has always been pretty accurate and looking at her, the way she's behaving, the way she's checking out every woman that walks by her, I'm betting I make a good chance to get lucky tonight.

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><p><strong>Olivia's pov<strong>

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><p>Enjoying my night out with friends, who would have thought? I never knew Amaro was so fun to hang out with outside of work and Amanda was pleasant company herself even though she kept more to herself and wasn't really letting go like Nick and I were. She's been staring at the bar for a couple of minutes now and I am getting curious as to what got her attention. I slip closer and align my head with hers so I'm looking over her shoulder. Still unable to figure out what she's staring at I take the opportunity to just ask.<p>

"What are you looking at, 'Manda?" Her body jumps and she turns her head to look at me.

"Damn, Liv, sneak up on people much?" She says in a light tone.

"You've been staring at the bar for the last 10 min, what's going on over there that's so interesting?" Raising one of my eyebrows, hoping she's picking up that I'm just messing with her instead of prying on her personal life.

"Just wait and see," She wiggles her eyebrows and I'm actually surprised by her playfulness. I've become accustomed to the more dark side of Amanda and it's nice to get to know the fun, silly and exciting side of her.

"What do you mean?" I furrow my eyebrows in confusion this time.

"Watch me," She says before slipping out of the booth and making her way over to the bar. I watch her place her hand on a brunette's shoulder before stepping in front of her and she lets her hand slide down the woman's arm.

"What is she doing?" Amaro asks me. The confusion clear on his face and I guess he's just as baffled as I am.

"I-I'm not sure," I tilt my head to the side to study the blonde better.

She is standing close to the brunette and I can't help but feels this fluttering feeling in the pit of my stomach, it's unsettling and definitely not comfortable. Amanda steps even closer to the woman and stands between her legs. Her hand was placed gently on the taller and older woman's thigh and she was clearly enjoying Amanda's attention. The brunette's hand tugs a loose strand of hair behind the southern blonde's ear and it ignites a fire in my stomach, it infuriates me. It's all so clear now. No doubt in my mind.

"She's flirting with that woman," I say out loud, trying hard to not let my emotions get the best of me. My eyes never leaving the scene that's playing out on the other side of the bar.

"'Manda is bisexual? Wow, didn't see that coming!" Amaro says shocked. I think back on the past 3 years and I have to agree with Nick that this was a complete surprise. A couple of months back she had a boyfriend, till he screwed her over big time but still. She never said a word about being attracted to other women.

"Me neither," I watched as Amanda placed a kiss on the brunettes cheek before turning back towards our booth. The brunette stands up and leaves the bar.

"Hey guys," she spoke as she reached the table, "I'm going to call it a night, see ya tomorrow." She winked and placed a 20$ bill on the table and made her way towards the door. My jaw still dropped to the floor I turn back to Amaro.

"Damn, she's better at picking up women than I should be." He chuckles but I don't find it amusing. Why is this bothering me so much? I'm fine with people being gay. Love is love is my opinion so the fact that Amanda is bisexual doesn't bother me. Than what is it? It didn't seem right for her to just pick someone up in a bar, she deserves more than that. Is that it? Is that what bothers me? That she just hooked up with some random woman? I shake my head trying to get rid of the fast train full of thoughts that's steaming through my mind.

"I guess she just knows who to pick," I smile at him, concealing my irritations. He doesn't need to know.

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><p><strong>Amanda's pov<strong>

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><p><strong>Next morning at the precinct.<strong>

Sure, I had a fun night and the girl I had brought home with me _did_ satisfy the itch that needed to be scratched but when I walked into the precinct this morning that itch instantly returned at the sight of my brunette colleague behind her desk. Playing with her hair, wearing a dark red button-down shirt that showed just enough cleavage to make your imagination run wild and tight black jeans that fit her butt amazingly. Something was wrong though, I could feel it in the atmosphere. She didn't even look up when I walked in or when I sat down at my own desk. I greeted Fin who nodded his head, acknowledging my presence. I said good morning to Amaro who had a knowing smirk on his face and I just wiggled my eyebrows at him which cause him to chuckle and that was what finally got Olivia's attention. She looked at me wearingly before returning to her paperwork. I don't know what I did but whatever it was it pissed her off. Now we've been sitting here in silence for most of the morning. The busy precinct around us is the only thing that makes me know time hasn't stopped. I'm trying to concentrate on my paperwork when I see Amaro walk up to me.

"So, I don't want to make this a big deal or nothing but… Why didn't you just tell us?" He sat down on my desk forcing me to sit back in my chair. I hate it when people look down on me.

"Tell you what exactly?" I am playing him. I don't think I have to tell anyone my sexual orientation.

"You know, that you- that you are gay," he whispered the last part like it was some secret.

"Gay?" I ask. Did he miss the whole Nate part?

"Yeah, I mean, you did leave with that woman yesterday, right?" He smirked again.

"Yes, I did. That doesn't make me gay, Amaro," It came out bitchier than I thought it would, "and let me ask you something else. Do you introduce yourself as 'hi, I'm Nick Amaro and I'm gay'?" I scoffed before returning to my paperwork, ignoring him the best I could.

"No, you're right, I don't. Well I just wanted to let you know that I have no problem with it at all and I'm sure the rest of the crew doesn't either. Right, guys?" He stood up and looked towards our colleagues. I looked at Fin who already knew all this.

"You know I love you 'Manda," I smiled at him not needing to know more. I looked over at Olivia.

"Yeah, it's fine. Whatever." She shrugged. Ouch.

"Wow, thanks Detective Benson," I snapped, "What the hell did I do for you to be so pissed off? You barely acknowledged I was even here this mornin' and now this!? What the fuck, Liv," I shoved my chair back, grabbed my jacket and strode out of the precinct.

I stepped into the elevator and banged on the button that would bring me to ground level. 'Yeah it's fine. Whatever.' Seriously? I couldn't believe that the lovin', caring Olivia Benson choose that way to respond to me being bisexual. Un-fucking-believable. My hands are shaking from the rush of anger that's running through my body. I step out of the elevator and head outside to the coffee cart. I order my usual and walk over to the benches that are placed across the street. I sit down and take a sip from the coffee. I hate the shaking of my hands and the jumping of my legs. My heart is racing and I'm on the brink of crying. But I won't let myself. Someone who cannot put their own shit aside long enough to be supportive of someone else doesn't deserve to be cried over. I should have never fallen for her shit about wanting to be friends. Pfft, great friend she would make. I take another sip and decide I need something else to stop the shaking. I reach in my jacket pocket and take out my package of Palm Mall's and a lighter. Inhaling the first drag of my cigarette immediately stops the jumping of my legs. I slide back into the bench and lean my head back, taking another drag from my cigarette.

"Amanda," Oh great, just fucking great.

"What do you want, _Benson_?" I snarl. I draw out her last name letting her now that we are not on first name basis anymore.

"We've got another case." she paused for a second and I lift up my head to look at her. Her head is down and her hands are on her hips. She looks like this when she is about to tell someone bad news. She continues, "Boy, 9 years old," another short pause, "found at the same place where they found Jamie Hamilton."

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><p><strong>Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate reviews because I'm trying to improve my writing skills so any technical advice or any advice about the storyline is welcome!<strong>

**- B.**

**( Britt_KC on twitter/illdrownwiththisship on tumblr)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys, I'm sorry for the delay. I've been busy lately and I want to share some good news with you all! **

**Me and my fiancee have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years and almost 4 months. She lives in the United States and I live in the Netherlands. Since September 9th 2013 we've been working on our visa application, we got approved for the first part on November 14th 2013 and February 27th I had my visa interview at the American Consulate in Amsterdam and we got APPROVED!  
>We're over the moon and super excited to finally put an end to the distance. I'll be moving April 7th and marry her soon after that. So my updates might be a little longer apart but it's because I'm moving AND getting married so I think those a pretty good excuses, hehe. I have another chapter ready so the next one shouldn't take that long but after that you might need to have some more patience! <strong>

**Enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think! **

**- B. **

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><p><strong>Olivia's pov <strong>

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><p>I know it was unfair of me to snap at Amanda the way I did but I just couldn't shrug off this irritation I was feeling about what happened at the bar. Still not sure why I feel this way and why it even bothers me in the first place. It just got me so mad and annoyed to see that woman's hands on Amanda. The thought of them kissing gives me a gut-wrenching feeling. I've had other gay friends and I was fine with them having girlfriends and the thought of them being sexually intimate didn't bother me at all. So what is it with Amanda that makes me feel this way? I have to get my head straight. After I notified Amanda that they had recovered another body at the same place we found our 7 year old victim, Jamie, we walked back into the precinct to retrieve our badges and weapons. I assumed Amanda would ride with me since we also handled the last case together, I was disappointed but not surprised that she choose to ride with another officer. Once we got there it was obvious that it was related to the case we had just closed.<p>

Standing next to the ME looking at yet another lifeless body of a young boy, "is it possible we got the wrong guy?" I heard Amanda ask. Her voice sounds dead. I can't blame her for dissociating with this case. She took the last one so hard she probably can't handle another one. Who am I kidding? Amanda is one of the strongest woman I've ever known. Yes, she shows emotions and can be vulnerable at times but she'll never let her work get affected by it.

"We got him on DNA, DNA they found on the boys penis I might add." The ME spoke, his voice slightly louder, defending himself and his work.

"It was definitely Joey McComb, no doubt about it. He confessed to everything. He explained into detail what he did to the little boy. No way he got that out of the newspaper, some injuries weren't even released to the press yet." I jump in. Joey McComb was guilty and I knew it the moment we picked him up. I see Amanda bite the inside of her cheek, still pissed off. I bet she can't stand the sound of my voice.

"So, what? He was working with someone? He had a partner in crime and he is now continuing their work?" She crosses her arms as she speaks. "Why wouldn't he have told us?"

"I don't know…" I'm seriously puzzled and can't give her an answer. I turn my focus back to the medical examiner, "what do we know about this boy so far?" he takes a deep breath.

"Estimated age between 8 or 9 years old, male, 5 stab wounds in the chest area, bruising around the neck and cigarette burns-"

"So the same injuries as Jamie?" Amanda, thankfully, interrupted him. Hearing what all was done to the boy was horrible, I didn't blame her for cutting him short.

"Well, that's where it gets interesting," he pauses, "there was no anal tearing so this boy wasn't raped."

"He wasn't raped?" I ask confused. "So we have a boy whose description fits Jamie's, same injuries, same dumping place, but no rape?" The more we find out about this case, the more questions pop up.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. I'll let you know if I find anything during the autopsy." He looks down towards the white sheets one more time before making his way over to the ME van. I shift my focus back to Amanda but she has already turned around and walked back to the officer who brought her here. I messed up. I messed up big time.

**Back at the precinct.**

"Fin, did you run that picture yet?" I make my way through the squad room and sit down at my own desk before looking at my computer.

"It's running now, Liv" I smile out of appreciation. I decide to take a look at the tape of Joey McComb's interrogation. Maybe we missed something? It's almost impossible, how would we have missed a confession to working with a partner? I put my earplugs in and press play. I look over my screen and notice Amanda's not there.

"Amaro, where's Amanda at?" I look at him and take my ear buds out.

"Uhm, last time I saw her she went to use the ladies-room but that was a while ago," I slowly nod my head. I'm tempted to ask if he can go check on her since she, understandingly, doesn't want to see my face. But Amaro is a guy and it would just be wrong to send him into the ladies-room.

"I'll go check on her, see if she's okay," I'm saying it out loud but the guys don't seem to acknowledge it, when I look at them they are already buried in their paperwork. I stand up and make my way to the bathrooms.

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><p><strong>Amanda's pov<strong>

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><p>I sat down behind my desk, leaning my elbows on the flat surface and resting my head in the palms of my hands. Another boy was killed today, another life taken. His brutally beaten body cold and motionless laying in the dirt. His clothes ripped from his fragile and broken body. His hair sticky with blood. Cigarette burns all over this tiny shell that once was filled with innocence, joy and laughter. Every time I close my eyes I see Jamie and the new boy we had recently discovered. The images of these boys running through my head like snapshots. It wouldn't stop. I can feel my stomach turn and I'm trying my best to keep the contents of it down. I let out a sigh and close my eyes. There they were. Flashes of beaten boys, molested girls, raped woman and sexually assaulted man. It's time to be honest with myself. It's not just the children that hurt me, it's every single victim that we visit in the hospital, every single victim that walks through these doors and every single victim that sits down with us and tells us their story. But my determination to get these bastards, who do these horrible things to other people, off the streets overpowers all of it. So yes, sometimes I don't sleep for days or sometimes I literally get sick to my stomach. I'll live with it. I do this for the victims.<p>

Once again my stomach turns and I just know I can't keep this in for much longer. I stand up, "I'm using the ladies-room," I notify the rest of the team and walk out of the squad room and into the hallway that leads to the bathrooms. I feel the bile rising in the back of my throat just as I open the door to the stall. My knees hit the floor as my stomach empties itself with force. With one hand I hold the toilet and with the other I try to keep the hairs out of my face. I sit back when I stop gagging. My back against the cold metal of the bathroom stall. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. The bitter taste in my mouth is disgusting but I'm not sure if I'm done being sick yet so I decide to just sit here for a while. I know what would help me get rid of these images, I know what would help me get rid of these sickening and exhausting thoughts running through my head. I also know that it'll only make things worse; what I'd give to be gambling right now. What am I doing? I shouldn't be sitting here thinking about how much I'd love to gamble, I shouldn't be sitting here wasting time when there's a killer on the loose. I try to stand up but once more my stomach turns and once more I'm hanging with my head above the toilet. I hear the bathroom door open and footsteps approaching the stall I'm currently occupying.

"Amanda, are you in there?" Great, once again it's Olivia who just can't seem to leave me the fuck alone. I can feel the anger rising once again and the aching of my heart tells me I'm still hurt. I learned to hide my feelings for others a long time ago, I also learned to hide them from myself in the process so sometimes I can only tell what I'm feeling through reading my own physical reaction.

"What are you doing here, Benson?" Again I use her last name. I can hear her let out a sigh from behind the thin door that's separating us.

"I came to check up on you, you alright in there?" I can hear the worry in her voice and it angers me. Just this morning she responded like she could care less about me and now she's pretending to care.

"Don't pretend you care, detective." I bite out and quickly wipe my mouth with the back of my hand once more.

"But, I do, 'Manda," I stood up and slammed open the door of the stall almost hitting her in the face.

"No. You. Don't." I step close to her, forcing myself into her personal space. "If you actually did you wouldn't have reacted the way you did this morning and now you're in here pretending to care. Just leave me alone, Liv. We're colleagues. Nothing more and we'll never be." I can see her facial expression change from caring to hurtful. I hurt her and I know I did but that's what I do best. When I'm hurt I hurt back. I'm so close to her I can feel her breathing on my face that's when I realize I've forced her against the wall. Our bodies aren't touching but the energy and the warmth radiating off her curvalicious body is enough to make my knees go weak. We stand this close to each other for a little longer than a minute. I finally look into her eyes and see that her hurt has now turned into confusion, I take a step back and wipe my forehead with the back of my hand before starting to pace around the bathroom. She is just standing their motionless. Her mouth agape like she's trying to find her voice. Thinking about what to say next.

"Look, I-I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. Okay? I'm sorry. I'm fine with you being bisexual, Amanda, I really am. It's just last night, I guess it was just a shocker you know. And you were so blunt about it. Plus I never figured you to be the one-night kinda girl," she took a step towards me and stopped me from being able to keep pacing, "I care about you and I think you deserve better than that, okay? It bothered me. I should have just told you instead of being dismissive and short with you." She puts both hands on my shoulders and softly strokes her thumbs over the thin fabric of my shirt. Her smile is loving and sweet. I can see she's genuinely sorry.

"I'm a big girl, Olivia," I can see a hint of relief at the mentioning of her first name, "I don't have time for a relationship. This job, I mean, you know how time consuming it is. I need distractions, I need to get my mind off of things, you know?" I relax under her touch, letting go of the anger I was feeling before.

"I get it," she took a deep breath and retreated her hands before walking away and leaning against the sink a couple of feet away. I turn around to face her. "Is that why," I can see her hesitating, "why you looked like you got hit by a truck that day that we found Jamie?" her eyebrows furrow and she clasps her hands together, probably afraid of my reaction. I was surprised she even remembered to be honest and wasn't expecting her to ever bring it up again.

"Oh, ah, no." It would have been easy to just say yes. But then again I didn't want to seem like some kind of slut who picks up random people every week and sleeps her way around New York. "That was something else, I-uh…" Should I be doing this? Should I tell her what's really going on? That I just went from one bad habit to another? "I have some problems, Liv," I struggle hard to keep my emotions at bay but my voice is shaky and I throw her an apologetic smile.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" She stands up and takes another step towards me.

"Not here, okay? After we finish this case?" I try to by myself some time. I'm not ready to just expose myself completely to her. Plus we should be concentrating on this case and not on personal business. Maybe in a couple of weeks she'll have forgotten all about it.

"You promise me you'll let me be there for you?" I lower my head, feeling already exposed as she read my intensions so easily. I feel her fingers softly pushing my chin up and I meet her dark brown orbs, filled with empathy. "Promise me?" She asks again, her voice low and brittle.

"Yeah, but when this case is over." I push once more my own voice thick with emotion.

"Okay, when this case is over. In the meantime, if you need anyone you know where to find me. Any time, okay?" Gosh this woman just didn't quite, did she?

"Okay," I smile at her to the best of my abilities. My stomach is still upset and I'm already dreading the conversations that we'll be having one day. "Can we get back to work now?"

"Yeah, just drink some ginger ale," she throws me a knowing stare, "It'll help with the nausea."

"'Kay, thanks, Liv," I look at her once more. Staring in those brown eyes and the butterflies flutter in my stomach. I'm a sucker for caring and loving Olivia and I'm a beast for angry and aggravated Olivia but this is whole new level of sucker and beast that's starting to rise to the surface. Her playfulness and her confidence did things to me that I can't even put into words. We're just staring into each other's eyes, no one is moving as the time passes. Is she leaning in?

Suddenly a door opens and we jump apart like a bomb has just been dropped between us. I look at her once more before running my hand through my hair, "I gotta go," I walk out of the bathroom and leave a baffled Olivia behind.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading and don't be afraid to leave a review! Also: you can follow me on Tumblr: illdrownwiththisship or on twitter: Britt_KC<strong>

**- B. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! Chapter 5 is here! I promise I'll write chapter 6 today but I have no clue when I'll upload it!  
><strong>**Thank you for all the sweet reactions to my move and wedding that are coming up! Y'all are the best!**

**Have fun reading this! Let me know what you think! **

**- B.**

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><p><strong>Olivia pov<strong>

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><p>One week ago today we found the body of William Clover. It's also been one week since Amanda and I had our… situation… in the bathroom. Really, I didn't know what else to call it. It was a conversation, yes. It was an apology, yes. But it was also something completely different that I couldn't really put my finger on. I've been interrogating pedophiles for more than 15 years, I've questioned murderers, kidnappers and all kinds of other bad people. Any type of criminal, you name it, I've spoken too and I've broken them. I don't want to break Amanda, I just want to understand. I understood them, the criminals, no matter how disgusting their reasons were or how disgusting their reality was, I understood. But this, what's going on between Amanda and I, I don't understand. I don't get it at all and it's making me highly frustrated and on edge. Because I'm a detective and I don't like to not understand. I don't like the unknown. It's my job to make the unknown known. So what was this? Did I lean in to do what? Kiss her? Hug her? Why did I lean in? Because her lips lured me in? Because she looked so sad and I just wanted to hug her? All these question have been running through my head for the past week and in the meantime Amanda has been acting like nothing ever happened. She wasn't being rude or mean, she was herself and it unsettles me because it makes me think that she's fine with everything while I'm laying here awake at night, not thinking about the 8 year old boy that we found a week ago, but thinking about the blonde firecracker from Georgia. I look over and look at Brian who, for the first time in a long time, was sleeping next to me. He was laying on his side, facing me and I just couldn't ignore the little voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me how wrong this is. Do I really love him? Or is it just what people expected from me? I'm at an age in life where you're supposed to settle down, get married… actually I'm already passed that age. I might even be too old to ever have children but this, with him, just didn't feel right. Yes, it was fun in the beginning and maybe it's just my commitment issues acting up but after we moved in together I started resenting him. He's a workaholic like me, his job is his first priority. Just like mine is for me. Yet, he's laying here in our bed. In our house and it just doesn't feel right. For some weird reason I don't want him to be in my 'our'. When I think about the future I see kids but not with him. I see marriage but I don't see him standing at the altar waiting for me. It's blank. If he was the one, wouldn't he be standing there? Wouldn't I be able to picture my future with him? God, I need sleep. I look over at the alarm clock and realize I've been laying her for close to two hours, just thinking and overthinking everything in my life. Amanda, Brian, work and my future and only 2 things in that list felt right. I close my eyes and surrender myself to my tiredness. <p>

**Next morning at the precinct.**

"Mornin'," her southern accent immediately sending shivers down my spine and forcing me to look at the person responsible. 

"Morning, 'Manda," I politely smile, "how are you?" she puts her bag down on the ground and takes off her jacket. She's wearing a baby-blue button-down shirt with one too many buttons undone. She puts the palms of her hands on the desks and leans forward. I force myself to look at her face and I can see her think about her answer. 

"I'm good, actually, I finally slept for longer than 5 hours, which is rare. How 'bout you? Are you alright?" She throws me one of her half smiles and I can feel my stomach flutter. Are those…? No, they can't be. 

"Y-yeah," I cough clumsily, feeling like I just got caught doing something really embarrassing, "I'm good." I pull myself together. "Glad you get to catch up on some sleep." 

"Yeah, so where're we at on the Clover's case?" Of course she talks about work. She sits down and opens one of the folders that's placed on her desk. 

"Well, uhm, we're kinda stuck. Autopsy didn't tell us anything besides cause of death which was strangulation and other injuries he sustained. Time of death was around 20 hours before they found him." I sigh, this case was hard. Not only was it an 8 year old boy we also didn't have any leads to go on. We went back in to interrogate Joey McComb the next day about any potential partners but he swore up and down he did it alone. 

"No DNA? Hairs? Sperm? Nothing?" She is grasping at straws just like I am. 

"Nothing at all, not even a fingerprint." I close the folder I had been reading before Amanda walked in. 

"What if we're looking at this all wrong?" Amanda suddenly stands up straight and I can see her eyes sparkle as she stares up at the ceiling. She's got something. 

"What are you getting at, Rollins?" I use her last name because right now, she's a detective who's in her zone. I need to keep her there. 

"We know it's obviously related to the Jamie Hamilton case but it's also slightly different, right?" I nod in agreement. "What if we're not dealing with a pedophile?" She looks at me and leans on her desk again. I furrow my eyebrows. 

"Go on…" Not really sure where she's going yet. 

"Jamie was raped, William wasn't. That's totally out of the ordinary for a pedophile. Why only torture him when you get off on kids, ya know?" She starts pacing in front of our desks now, she's on a roll. I simply nod my head to let her know I'm still listening and I'm following her so far. 

"Did we check William's parents out?" She asks. Stopping at her own desk, opening the folder she just closed. 

"What you think they used Jamie's death as a cover for them to kill their own son?" I frown now, not liking this theory. 

"No, no, I don't know." She let out a heavy sigh. 

"Look, we're all grasping at straws here but I don't think William was killed by his parents." I open my own folder to get back to finding whoever _did_ kill William Clover.

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><p><strong>Amanda's pov<strong>

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><p>I know I've got something here. I can feel it in my gut, now I just have to figure out what it is exactly. Something is pulling me towards the parents. I don't know why 'cause I also know they didn't kill their son. They both have airtight alibis for the time of the murder. Plus they seemed to be genuinely grieving for their son. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes. I hate when my head is unorganized and all these thoughts running through my mind are making me exhausted. Not only this case but a curtain brunette has been occupying my thoughts more than she already was before. Ever since our meeting in the ladies-room she's been acting strange. Not in a bad way, in a weird way. Well, not really weird just… different. She's been staring at me and she seems to be a little more awkward. Like she gets flustered and sometimes I even think she seems to be blushing but that just can't be right. Olivia Benson doesn't blush. I'm not even sure if she actually did lean in that time in the bathroom or if it was just my imagination running wild. Besides all the questions that were brought up by this case there was another truck load of them brought on by the older woman she shared her desk space with. I had been acting normal, waiting for Olivia to come to me and start a conversation about what happened but she never did. Which was out of character for her because normally she was all up my grill about everything. So I figured I need another game plan to figure out what's going on. Did she actually lean in to kiss me and is she blushing when I catch her staring at me or is she just not herself lately and it has nothing to do with me. So starting today, I'm going to test the waters. See what's really going on with Olivia Benson. I smirk to myself and quickly look up to see if no one caught me doing just that. I look over at Fin and Nick who are, like always, busy behind their computers. I look at Olivia and I'm not surprised that I catch her staring at me again. I smirk and look at her seductively. There it is again, the blush. I can see the soft pinkness starting at the collar of her shirt and it slowly rises up to her cheeks. "You okay there, Liv?" I ask innocently. <p>

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," she quickly lowers her head into the document in front of her. I smirk again, also getting back to the paperwork. This is going to be fun. 

A couple of hours later we're still with our nose deep in paperwork and we're still stuck on this case. I've read everything we had on William's parents and the only thing that stood out was that William's daddy was a registered sex offender. But then again, their alibis were airtight. 

"Okay, anyone need lunch? I need to stretch my legs," Olivia stood up and immediately draws my attentions. 

"Can you get me a burrito," Fin raises his hand like he's in class. 

"Yeah, me too, Liv," Nick adds with a polite smile on his face. Olivia shifts her eyes on me, expecting an answer. 

"I'll walk with you, my legs could use some stretching." I smile sweetly at her. Even though my plan was to test the waters I don't want to come off too strong and scare her away. Besides that she _IS_ in a relationship with Brian Cassidy. She nods her head. With one hand she grabs her jacket and with the other she pushes some loose strands of brown hair behind her hair. 

"Okay then, let's go," She smiles at me as she walks passed me and I have to hurry up to not lose her out of sight. She's already at the elevators when I finally catch up with her. She's facing the buttons and I place my hand on the small of her back when I reach her. 

"Wow there tiger, what's the hurry?" She seems to jump a little at the touch and again the awkwardness shows. No blush though this time. I remove my hand calmly. 

"Oh, nothing, I didn't think it would take you this long to get ready," she chuckles. 

"Are you calling me a slow poke, Detective Benson?" I laugh, putting my hand over my heart pretending she hurt my feelings. 

"I wouldn't dare too," She bumps her shoulder into mine and looks at me with those beautiful brown eyes that, if you let them, could stare into your soul. I quickly look away. Dammit, all those things I could do to test the waters, she could do to me too. Let's hope she never finds out. 

We buy lunch for the boys and for ourselves and walk back to the precinct when Olivia's phone starts ringing. "Detective Benson," hearing her say her name is incredibly sexy in some strange way. Her face changes from light and careless to one of terror and horror and I can already guess what she's going to say next. "Okay, we're on our way," she hangs up the phone and looks at me with those wide eyes. 

"What is it, Liv?" I ask, starting to worry. 

"They found another body," she pauses, "again at the same dump site we found Jamie and William at." I feel the goose bumps rise on my arms. This isn't happening. 

"Another child?" I ask her, my voice thick with sadness. I wasn't even going to try to hide it. 

"Yes, another boy," she confirms. She slowly nods her head, looking at the bags of food, "we need to get to the precinct." I nod my head in agreement. 

**At the crime scene**

"Male, estimated age around 7, stab wounds, cigarette burns, no anal tearing, strangled, basically the same injuries as William Clover." The ME spoke in a low voice. He also seemed to be affected by what's happening here. He squat down next to the covered body. 

"Basically?" I questioned. Looking down on him, my hands on my hips. 

"Yeah, we found some kind of symbol on the boy's wrist. Looks like it's been carved in his skin post mortem." He lifts up the sheet and shows us the arm. I bent over to take a better look at the presumed symbol on his arm. It's hard to make out what it is exactly because of all the blood and dirt that's covering it. 

"Can't figure out what it is, it's too dirty to make anything of it. Will you call me when you clean it up?" He nods his head and I turn around to look for anything out of the ordinary at the dumping site for this serial kid killer. What's his fascination with this area? He basically stole it from another killer. Maybe someone who knows Joey McComb? We know Joey didn't work with a partner but what if it is someone who's interested in what Joey did? I look around. Lots of trees, lots of sand and barely any light. At night this makes for a perfect dumping ground.  
>I walk up to an officer, "I want someone staking out this place 247, he has used it twice now let's hope we get the son of a bitch before he has to use it again. Just in case I want people on this ground, got it?" The officer tips his head and starts talking through the radio. I look at where the body is located and spin around, there's tire tracks again and CSU had already photographed and cemented them. Besides the torn clothes on the young boy's body there was nothing else to be seen. I saw Olivia squatting down near a tree a couple of feet away from the body bag that was now being lifted off the ground. 

"Hey, Liv, you found anything?" I bent over her and place my hand on her shoulder for support. She cocks her head sideways to look at me. 

"I think the bastard emptied his stomach content," she points her finger at a puddle of green and slimy yuk. 

"We'll sample it. Maybe we'll get lucky and find some DNA," I give her my hopeful smile. Hopefully we will find DNA and stop this killing spree. I straighten my back when my phone rings. 

"Detective Rollins," I answer and Olivia stands up next to me. 

_"Hey, it's Fin. We got a match on the picture you sent me. Boy's called Duncan Waterly, 7 years old. Been missing for 24 hours._" Damn, finding a body was one thing. But when you actually hear the name of the little human being it just gets so much more real. The body we found than became an actual person. 

"'Kay, thanks Fin." I hung up and told Olivia. She smiled sadly and I can see she's fighting to keep her tears at bay. "Liv, we'll get this son of a bitch." I place my hand on her shoulder and squeeze gently. 

"I know, it's just so, so sad," She places her hand on top of mine and strokes my knuckles with her thumb. 

"Yeah, it is."

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading guys! Means a lot! :) Let me know if you still like it!<strong>

**- B. ( Britt_KC on twitter/Illdrownwiththisship on tumblr!)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, here's another chapter! Also I wanted to let you know that me and my fiancée are tying the knot on April 11th! :) We're super excited and can't wait to start our lives together! I will definitely keep working on this story because I have a lot of fun writing it but as you can imagine, I have a lot going on. **

**Thanks for sticking with me and I hope you enjoy this! oh and btw, LONGEST chapter I've ever written! Sorry!**

**-B. **

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><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

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><p>I close the door behind me and immediately the smell of garlic teases my taste buds. "Hello?" It has to be Brian but the cop inside of me can't help but check and make sure. Ever since Lewis, that's what I do. "Brian?"<p>

"Hey, babe, I'm in here!" I let out a sigh of relief when I hear his voice. Not because it's Brian. No, because at least it's no stranger. I'm not in any danger. I hang my coat and put my keys in the bowl that's sitting on the small table next to the door. I walk into the kitchen and he turns around to greet me. He wraps his hands around my waist and I can't help but feel uncomfortable. I put my hands on his shoulders, avoiding his gaze. "How was your day?" the domestic question makes me want to gag. He worked SVU a long time ago, he should know how my day was or how I don't want to talk about work when I get home. He should know the terrible things we see. I guess that's why he wasn't a good fit for the job. He just doesn't care enough or just doesn't get it. Why did I fall in love with this man? He leans in and I smoothly avoid his kiss on my mouth by turning my head and leaning in for a hug. His lips ending up on my cheek.

"Fine, yours?" I mumble on his shoulder. I wiggle myself out his grasp and look into the pans that are on the stove. I don't wait for an answer, "what are you making for dinner?"

"Pasta," he now puts his hands around my waist from behind. Kissing my neck, which normally would have turned me on but right it annoys me. His lips tracing a trail of kisses from my shoulder to my sweet spot just behind my ear, making my stomach turn. Again I wiggle out of his arms.

"I'm going to take a shower," I look over my shoulder and I can see his excitement. The poor man thinks he's going to get lucky tonight. How am I going to get out of this one? I make my way to the bathroom and take out my phone. I raise my eyebrows when I see I have one missed text message from Amanda. I unlock my screen and open the messenger app.

**Hey liv, what are you up to? –A.**

It was simple and short, like I expected from her. My curiosity is piqued since Amanda rarely texts me. I tap on the empty box to type my message,

**Brian cooked dinner for me, about to take a shower. You? –O.**

I knows what Amanda is after. I had used that opening phrase a lot of times when I was desperate to do something but didn't want to intrude on someone's free time. Just because you get along with each other on the job doesn't mean you want to be together 24/7. Even though I would rather do something with Amanda right now, I wanted her to ask. I wanted her to feel comfortable enough to ask. I turned on the water and let it get warm. Putting my phone on the sink while I'm starting to get undressed. As soon as I drop the last piece of clothing on the dirty laundry pile my phone vibrates against the hard marble. It always surprises me how loud these damn thing can be.

**I bet Brian's dinner beats my take out Chinese food. Enjoy your shower. – A.**

Okay, this was not what I wanted. I wanted her to ask me to do something. Wanted her to invite me to whatever it is she had in mind. I wanted her to have enough courage for both of us. Since I got home and Brian was home, I wanted to leave anyway. I type another message,

**I doubt it, he made this terrible sauce that I don't even like. Chinese food sounds good! :) – O.**

I step into the shower as I already hear my phone vibrate again. I quickly wash my hair and body before stepping out again and picking up the phone.

**You want to come over and share a box? Maybe watch a movie? :) –A.**

I felt a smile creep on my face. I hear Brian move around in the living room, probably setting the dining table. I feel a little bit of guilt bubbling up before I push it down and text Amanda back.

**Call me in 5 min with an "emergency" ;-) –O.**

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><p>Amanda's POV<p>

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><p>I've been sitting here, staring at my phone for the last 15 minutes. Not sure what to do. I don't feel like being alone tonight but I also don't feel like going to a bar. What I really want to do is go out and gamble. Gamble 'till my brain feels numb and my veins are buzzing with alcohol and nicotine. So right now, I'm sitting here, trying to make a decision; text someone to keep myself distracted or call a cab that'll bring me to the nearest casino. I could ask Fin but I vaguely remember him havin' plans with his son and Amaro has Zara for the weekend so I doubt he has time. That leaves Liv. Liv; This could either be really dangerous or really fun or maybe both. It could help us figure out what's going on but it could also just add to our already stressed out lives. I take in a deep breath and let it out. This is ridiculous. We are co-workers and if we want to hang out after work, we can, right? There's nothing wrong with two people wanting to bond and maybe build a friendship. But then again, do I really want to build a friendship? Is what I'm feeling purely a need to have a friend or do I want more? All this uncertainty is driving me crazy. I put my phone down and walk to the refrigerator and poor myself a glass of white wine. I lean back against the counter and take a sip. Letting my mouth get used to the sour, yet sweet, taste of wine. I quickly take a second sip. Alcohol never fails me when I need a little courage. I walk back to the couch and quickly grab my phone, quickly typing a message and tap "send" faster than the speed of light. There. I did it. Can't go back now. I sit back in the couch and put my feet on the coffee table in front of me. I grab the remote control that's next to me on the couch and turn my TV on. Some stupid reality TV show is on and I quickly move on to the next channel. I put the remote down when some singing competition comes on and stare at my phone. A girl is singing Respect by Aretha Franklin and I can't help but sing along, nerves slowly leaving my body. Finally I hear my phone beep and I almost jump off the couch. I read her response and let out a sigh. The thought of her in the shower makes me feel all kinds of things that right now, aren't safe to think about. Brian… Right. I almost forgot. He made her dinner which basically is her saying she doesn't have time. Or maybe I wasn't clear enough? I should have just asked her and not ask her what she was up to. The thought of her and Brian together makes me feel slightly nauseous, quickly pushing the green-eyed monster down again I send her another text. I get a quick response and I snicker as she doesn't seem to like his cooking skills. This clearly asks for an invitation. I decide to be bold and ask her over. My knees are jumping up and down as I lean forward and rest my elbows on them, holding my phone with both hands, staring at the screen. I felt the phone vibrate in my hand. I have to call her in 5 minutes that gives me just enough time to quickly clean my living-room. I pick up some clothes that are laying around while speed dialing the Chinese place around the corner. I order food for two and walk towards my front door. Putting on a Jacket and grabbing my keys before exiting my front door. While walking I dial Olivia's number and let it ring.<p>

_"Benson,"_ Just the sound of her voice makes my stomach flutter.

"Liv- uhm, it's me pretending we have an emergency." I chuckle nervously not really sure what to say. I just hope Brian isn't close enough to hear. Again the thought of him being close makes me want to throw up.

_"Okay, what's the address?"_ I shake my head, this is kinda ridiculous. She sounds absolutely serious and a take a mental note that not only is she a great detective she's also a great actress.

"My house?" I ask more than confirm. She hums like she's taking all the information in. The sound sends a shiver down my spine.

"Okay, I'm on my way," I smile, knowing that soon she'll be standing at my front door instead of eating dinner with him.

"Yes, ma'am, see you in a little bit," I hang up as I enter the Chinese restaurant. I don't even know how I got here. Lately every time I'm around my brunette co-worker the world seems to fade away and the only thing I can concentrate or think about is her. It's silly and it needs to stop. I don't know which addiction is worse. Gambling or Olivia. At least Olivia won't make me lose lots and lots of money but then again it could jeopardize my career or at least the relationship that we build over the last couple of years as colleagues. They call my name and hand me a plastic bag, I pay them and leave the restaurant.

I set the table and poured two glasses of wine. I decided to not light a candle cause that would just be too much. It's not a date, it's just two friends hanging out. There will come a time that I'll actually believe that. I quickly check myself in the mirror before I hear a soft knock on my front door. I take a deep breath and pull my shirt down, a nervous habit that I can't seem to shake off. I walk over to the door and look through the peek-hole, it's Olivia. I open the door and greet her with a, what feels like, genuine smile. "Hey," my voice is shaky. I clear my throat. Her gaze roams over my body, this might be the first time she ever saw me outside of work and in my regular clothes. It's making me blush slightly and I feel like the temperature just went up. "Come on in," I step aside when she just smiles at me. "Here-," I point at her jacket, "let me take that," as she slips out of it and hands it to me. I close the front door and hang up her jacket. I gesture my hand towards my living area, inviting her inside. She walks ahead of me and it gives _me_ the freedom to roam my eyes over _her_ body. Her tightly fitted jeans hug her curves in all the right places and the button up shirt that loosely hangs around her upper body brings out her best features. Showing some shoulder on both sides which, I'm not afraid to admit, is a huge turn on. She turns around,

"Where do you want me?" My eyes go wide and it takes me a second or two to realize she was asking me a serious question.

"O-oh," words seem hard to find, "uhm, e-either or is fine," I wave my hand toward the dining table. Get a grip, Amanda. I walk into the kitchen as I hear her move a chair to sit down. I unpack the boxes and bring them with me to the table.

"Thanks for inviting me over," She looks up at me as I'm placing the boxes between our plates.

"Yeah, sure, no problem," I smile at her again before sitting down on my chair. She's reaching for one of the boxes as we both put food on our plates in silence. "So it's really true then?" I say laughing softly.

"What is?" She looks scared and confused and I can't help but laugh a little louder as she looks so adorable in that very moment.

"Men really can't cook?" she breathes out a laugh and chuckles. Making me smile. If I could listen to one sound only for the rest of my life, I would pick her laugh.

"Yeah, no, they really can't," I take a bite of my food. Nodding my head, agreeing with her.

Conversation flows easily while we eat and I can feel that I'm starting to relax just before we are done. I pour us another glass of wine and stand up to pick up the plates and bring them to the kitchen.

"You can go ahead and take a seat on the couch, I'll just clean this up real quick." I'm already on my way to the kitchen when I hear footsteps follow me. "You don't really follow instructions, do you?" I chuckle and place a hand on her shoulder while I make my way back to the dining table. Small apartments aren't always a pain in the ass, everything is close by. She looks at my hand on top of her shoulder and I pull back. Not wanting to intrude on her personal space. She smiles softly and I'm not sure what that means. Is she thankful I pulled back or did she want me to keep it there and is this her trying to say that that was okay?

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><p>Olivia's POV<p>

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><p>The moment she placed her hand on my shoulder a jolt of electricity ran down my spine and I swear I could feel my fingers and toes tingle. I had felt sparks whenever Brian would touch me, way in the beginning, but nothing like this. I have never felt anything remotely close to this. It hit me so hard that for a second I could only stare at her hand on my shoulder before she slowly pulled back her hand, when I looked up I saw the blush on her face and I know she was confused. I smile at her to try and reassure her that she didn't do anything wrong. Afraid to word it and sound too eager for her touch. Because I'm not. I'm in a relationship.<p>

"What movie do you want to watch?" I hear from behind me and I realize I've been standing here thinking while she finished the task of cleaning up the table. She's leaning against one of the chairs with her hip and has her other hand on her hip with a smirk that's so typically Amanda.

"Anything, really," I smile and walk towards her as she gestures towards the couch. I see that she already placed our wine glasses on the coffee table. I sit down and make myself comfortable, "is it okay if I take off my shoes?" This is the first time I've ever been over to her house as a guest. Last time I was here I was a detective, a colleague now I'm here as a friend, a… a friend.

"Yeah, make yourself at home," her smile reaches her eyes, it's been awhile since it did that. The last couple of months her smiles had seemed forced, fake even. Now, her eyes glistened with the joy, happiness she was feeling. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I smile back at her and take off my boots. I fold my legs under my lap and rest my upper body on the arm rest of her couch. She squats down in front of, what I assume to be, her DVD collection. The view that's been presented to me takes my breath away and I have to advert my eyes to somewhere else to prevent my thoughts from wandering to places it shouldn't go. "Uhm, let's see," I look back and she's running her fingers over the back of the DVD's.

She names a list of movies and we settle on a romantic comedy because we already have enough crime and drama in our own lives to deal with. She puts the disc in the DVD player and grabs the remote control from the top of the television before sitting down. Leaving the appropriate amount of space between us, though I crave her to be closer to me. I reach forward for my glass of wine and take a quick look at her. She's leaning back into the couch, her feet on the coffee table with the remote in her hands. She looks so relaxed and so at ease. It's nice to see this side of her. The side that is relaxed and content. I take a sip and put my glass back on the table.

Awhile into the movie the distance between us has grown smaller as I stretched my legs out more. My feet are just an inch away from her thigh and I can feel the warmth radiating from her through my socks. I have a hard time concentrating on the movie, her presence distracting me. I keep my face pointed at the television but I watch her from the corner of my eye. I stretch my legs a little further and my feet gently touch her thigh. She turns her head to look at me and I follow her lead. She smiles and returns her gaze to the screen. Again, I follow her lead. Suddenly I feel her hand on top of my feet. She softly strokes the top of my foot before resting it there. I shiver runs down my spine and a smile tugs on my lips. We both keep staring at the screen but I know for a fact that our minds our somewhere else.

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><p><strong>Amanda's POV<strong>

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><p>The credits of the movie roll down the screen but we both remain in our position. Her feet are now on my lap and my hands laid across her ankles. I let out a sigh and she turns her head towards me.<p>

"I should head home," I can hear the disappointment in her voice. I nod gently and remove my hands from her legs. She removes her legs from my lap and sits up straight, stretching her back.

"Brian is probably waiting," I force out a smile and I can see a flash of disdain in her eyes.

"He's either asleep or at work, we barely see each other these days," a sad smile crosses her face and all I want to do is tell her to leave him and stay with me tonight. But that would be selfish.

"Oh," is all I can say.

"Yeah," is all she can say.

I walk towards the front door and reach for her jacket. Holding it out for her so she can slip in her arms. She turns around, her face near mine. My heart beating so loudly I wouldn't be surprised if she could hear it. Feel it. I have nowhere to go. The wall behind me is preventing me from backing up and the hallway is too small to pass her without making her feel rejected. Who am I kidding? I don't even want to reject her. Her eyes are wide and her mouth slightly agape. I can feel the heat coming off her body and the urge to pull her in close is becoming unbearable. She frantically roams my face with her eyes. My gaze lingers when our eyes finally connect. I can see the excitement and anxiety flash through her eyes. She leans in and closes her beautiful brown orbs. Her soft and tender lips brushing mine when she freezes for a second. Then she pulls back and we both open our eyes. A small smile on her lips as she leans in again this time with a little bit more force behind it. Tilting our heads from side to side as this intimate moment grows more passionate. Her wanting lips parting slightly, giving me permission to enter. I stroke her bottom lip with my tongue and I hear her moan softly. My hands reach for her waist and she places her hand on my cheek, the other one on my shoulder. Our tongues touch for the first time. Softly and gently they move together in one of the most passionate kisses I ever had. She pulls back and leans her forehead against mine. I can see a smile on her face before she turns around and quickly walks out of the front door, closing it behind her.

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><p><strong>There you have it! Their first kiss! :) <strong>

**Next chapter we'll explore the case again but I figured the ladies needed a little down time! **

**Let me know what you think!**

**- B. ( Britt_KC on twitter & illdrownwiththisship on tumblr!)**

**Funfact: I make a cover for every chapter of this story so check out my tumblr for those!**


	7. Chapter 7

_10 hours before the kiss_

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><p><strong> Olivia's POV<strong>

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><p>"Good morning, beautiful," his deep and hoarse voice wakes me from my deep sleep. One I so desperately had needed. It's funny how a couple of hours of sleep could make you feel like a whole new person.<p>

"Morning," my voice thick with sleep. He leans in and kisses my lips. "You need to shave," I hate the feeling of hairs basically sandpapering my face. He just chuckles before rolling out of bed. This is how it's supposed to be. A handsome man waking me up in the morning, calling me beautiful and kissing my lips. Why does it feel so wrong? Why can't I shake of the feeling that I'm playing a part that doesn't fit me? This though has been popping up in my head a lot lately how things just don't feel right. I stare at the ceiling in the hope that answers will come to me but I soon realize that all that comes to me is Amanda Rollins. The southern detective that makes my heart beat faster with just one look. This is not possible and cannot be happening to me. I'm in a healthy and happy relationship.

I get out of bed, shaking my head to try and clear my mind from the hurricane that's going on inside. My feet hit the cold floor and I quickly make my way over to the bathroom. I run my hands through my hair, place the palms of my hand on the sink and stare at myself in the mirror. What is going on with me? Just when I think I have everything on track, everything comes crashing down. All this time I've been lying to myself, so desperate to fill the empty space in my heart. The space I've never been able to fill, that no-one ever succeeded in filling. I've been pretending Brian did, I pretended to be happy to do what? Satisfy the people around me? Show them Olivia Benson could love and be loved? I even wonder from time to time if I'm capable of giving and receiving love. I care about people, I do. But could I ever really give myself completely to someone else? Could I ever be myself completely with someone else? All these questions running through my head, but no answers.

I ball my fists and feel the tears starting to well up behind my eyes. I quickly step in the shower and wash them away. No sign of them. Not with the water washing them directly away from my face. I look around the living room and realize Brian already left. I let out a sigh of relief because right now, I rather be alone. I still have an hour before I have to leave for work and I let myself fall down on the couch. My eyes roam the room and finally land on a note that's placed on the table. I lean forward,

_I love you, Liv_  
><em>Yours, Brian<em>

Once again I lean back in the couch, close my eyes and let my thoughts consume me.

**At the precinct. **

"Morning," I walk in but can't get a smile on my face. I feel completely exhausted though I just woke up 1,5 ago. I look around the room and see that everyone is already there, "where are we on the case?"

"So far the only connection we can find is that all the victims, besides Jamie Hamilton, have fathers that are in the sex offender's registry." Fin answers. He looks just as exhausted as I feel. He probably stayed here all night.

"I'm going down to the morgue," Amanda speaks up and I turn my gaze towards her. She looks stunning as always and I let my eyes roam her body for a second. When my eyes reach her face I can see that she caught me checking her out.

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><p><strong>Amanda's POV<strong>

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><p>"What do you mean, it might or might not be a symbol?" I look at the medical examiner like he's crazy, cause quite frankly… He is. "Either you know it's a symbol or you don't, what's it gonna be?"<p>

"It's complicated, detective," He walks over to the table behind him and waves his hand as an invitation to follow him. I hate the morgue. I hate the cold and I hate the smell of dead bodies. I swallow hard as I stand next to covered body of a young boy. I saw how badly hurt he was at the crime scene but right now, looking at him when the ME removed the cover from his upper body, he almost looked peaceful.

Aside from the bruises, cuts and burn marks on his chest he looked just as innocent as he was when he was alive. A young boy with lots of dreams and lots of ambition according to Duncan's parents. His face was untouched, which says something. He either wanted to spare the innocence of the child or simply couldn't look him in the eye when he mutilated his body. "Look, it's right here," his deep voice brings me back out of my thoughts.

"It's what you showed me when we were at the crime scene, right?" He nods.

"Yes, but now I've cleaned it up you can clearly see it's something," He shrugs his shoulders, "it almost looks like it's been carved in." I lean forward, trying to get a closer look.

"It looks like an 8 to me," I search for gloves and find a box on the corner of the table near Duncan's head. The feeling of gloves irritates me or maybe it's the sensation of cold that radiates from his lifeless body as I trace the wound on his wrist. Trying to trace the path, it becomes clear that it's not an 8. "Hand me some paper, will ya?" I smile politely at him. He walks to his desk and returns with a notepad and a pen. With one hand I trace his wound and with the other I draw on the notepad. I feel him looking over my shoulder,

"it looks like two 8's combined in 1," I turn my head, his face next to mine as I clear my throat making it clear that I feel uncomfortable with his body so close to mine. "Oh, I'm sorry, detective," he raises his hands in surrender as he steps back.

"I'll take this upstairs with me, see what I can find out. If you find anything-"

"I'll call." I smile at him before taking off my gloves, throwing them away and walking out of the morgue.

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><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

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><p><strong>Squad room <strong>

Amanda had been staring intensely at her computer ever since she got back upstairs from the morgue. Her lips moving but no words are coming out. Again, she's in that zone and I decide to not interrupt her thoughts. In order to do our job though, we also need to know what the ME had found.

"Amanda," her eyes don't leave the screen as she holds up her pointer finger, telling me to hold on a second. Her lips still moving. Another minute wouldn't hurt. I concentrate back on my own screen.

"I think I got it" She has her arms folded in front of her chest, big smile on her face, leaning on her elbows. She's just adorable sometimes but I doubt she would take that as a compliment. Ever since she started working here she has had this tough act going on and only every now and then she shows her softer and more vulnerable side. I wonder how many people actually got to see that though.

"Care to share?" Her eyes widen. Clearly in all her excitement and determination she forgot she is working with a team instead of alone.

"Oh lord, yes, sorry!" she smiles apologetic before she stands up and picks up a piece of paper. I look at her confused before she makes her way to my desk and puts the note in front of me. I lean back a little giving her room to tell and show me what it is. "Remember the wound on the wrist of Duncan?" I nod in affirmation. She continues "Well, this is what it looks like. It's probably been etched in his skin with a sharp object." I frown in confusion.

"Are you saying the killer left a message?" I now glance up at her. She's leaning with one arm on the back of my chair and with the other on my desk, making the shirt she's wearing fall open at the front and I find myself having a hard time to keep my eyes on her face. I quickly look back at the note.

"I think he did, now we just have to find out what it means." I look again. I've never seen anything like it before but then again I'm not an expert on symbols. "At first I thought it was an 8, until I drew it on a piece of paper and now you can see that it looks more like two of them combined." I nod again. "Now I know there's this symbol out there that looks like an 8 and it means infinity, right?"

"Okay, so what does two 8's combined mean?" My curiosity peeked and Amanda's determination infectious.

"Revenge."

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading guys! It's a short chapter but I needed this to be in there to continue on to the next phase!<strong>

**We all remember how it started, right?**

**Amanda waking up after being in a coma for 3 months... Getting closer to the moment she got shot and so I'm almost ready to start writing the aftermath of that and all the adventures that are coming up after she wakes up from her coma! Stay tuned! 3**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey guys! I know, I know... It's been awhile! I've been getting married and I moved to the US to be with my wife! :) I think those are pretty good reasons to not have been updating this story as much but... I'm back and ready to continue writing this story! This chapter is shorter than usual because I had to make a transition between the last and the next chapter so just bare with me. Also I know I've been going back and forth between events a lot which may cause some confusion. We begin this chapter 10 hours before the kiss and we end it the morning after the kiss. The next chapter will all be AFTER the kiss and BEFORE the shooting. Just making sure that everyone is still on the same track. Hope you guys enjoy... Especially after the whole Rollaro thing that happened last Wednesday... :/ **

_"__Okay, so what does two 8's combined mean?" My curiosity peeked and Amanda's determination infectious._

_"__Revenge."_

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><p>Amanda's pov<p>

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><p>The moment the word leaves my mouth, images start spinning through my head. I'm almost completely sure that I know who killed all the boys that were killed after Jamie Hamilton. <em>Revenge, <em>who would want to kill innocent boys to take revenge? Someone who just lost one. Someone who just lost their little boy to a pedophile. A registered sex offender.

"I'm pretty sure I know who our killer is," I say out loud. Making sure I have everyone's attention. I start pacing back and forth between the desks.

"The suspect isn't killing the boys, not in his mind anyway, he's making the parents feel what he felt. What he went through when his little boy got murdered. All these boys have fathers that are registered sex offenders, they are all on the list." I look at my colleagues. Fin nods, like most of the time. He always has my back, no matter how crazy my theories get sometimes. Amaro has his hand underneath his chin and seems to be lost in his own thoughts and own theories. Olivia just looks at me with her eyebrows frowned.

"Could be, but we have no evidence." Her voice tells me she also thinks we're on to something here but that we need solid proof to actually make a case.

"Can we bring him in for questioning?" I ask her, it's getting late but I don't care. I want to get this guy before he hurts anyone else.

"How 'bout we do that tomorrow and try to get some rest first," she stands up tapping her folders neatly together before putting them back on the desk. She puts one hand on her hip and the other runs through her hair. She looks around.

"What if he kills again? I'm not comfortable going home when he could be out there looking for another innocent kid to kill, are you?" I put both my hands on my hips, kinda surprised by Olivia's question to postpone this till tomorrow.

"IF it's him he won't kill tonight, there's always at least 5 days between his victims." I let out a sigh. There's really nothing to do if no one is willing to stay and work this case. Fin and Amaro both look exhausted, which rarely happens and if I'm being honest with myself, I could use a couple of hours of rest.

"Okay, fine," I give in and see a sigh of relief leaves Olivia's body. Clearly not ready to get into another argument with me, I smirk internally.

**Morning after the kiss.**

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><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

I'm sitting in an office that still feels uncomfortable, still feels like it doesn't belong to me and that's also how I feel about Brian. They tell me that I'll get used to it and yes, maybe because it's a job, I will but am I willing to get used to him?

Will I settle for Brian when Amanda makes me feel so much more with just a single touch, a single kiss? I don't regret kissing her, I don't. But it does scare me. It terrifies me. I'm falling so hard… What if she's not willing to catch me? What if she lets me fall? I sigh. I've been here for hours, came in extra early because ones again I couldn't sleep.

Also I wanted to avoid walking in with Amanda already there. A soft knock on the door interrupts my thoughts as I look up to the door and see that it's her.

"Come on in," I close the folder in front of me when I hear her open and close the door. I look up and meet her gaze.

"Hey," she smiles sweetly at me and I feel the butterflies starting to fly.

"Hi," I broaden my smile and sit back in my chair a little.

"So, I uhm, we… we need to talk, don't you think?" She takes a couple of more steps towards my desk and sits down in the chair, I cock my head to the side.

"What do you mean?" I know what she means. She furrows her eyebrows in confusion. Her face turning quickly into one of shock.

"Oh, is that how you want to do this?" She stands up and so do I. I walk from behind my desk over towards the windows and close the blinds. She's following my every move and once I closed them all I turn towards her. I take another step, our bodies almost flushed together. She continues, "I will not be you secret lover, Olivia. I will not fall for you just so you can rip out my heart and crush it. So you better just tell me what you want to do. Right now, I can still get over you-"

"I don't want you to get over me, 'Manda," I whisper just loud enough for her to hear and stop rambling. I place my hands on her hips and tug her a little closer, my forehead leaning against hers. "What you feel, I feel too. It's just… I want to do this right and I want to make sure it's right. I don't want to end up feeling like I am with Brian right now." I can see the hurt in her eyes at the mention of Brian's name.

"So what are you going to do?" her voice low and hoarse, like the air is being taken out of her body.

"Give me some time and I'll figure it out, okay?" I lean back, creating some distance between us. The second my hands leave her body she lunges forward, capturing my lips with hers. Her soft lips massage mine, the smell of Jasmine invading my senses. I feel myself pound and my body temperature starts to rise. I kiss her back, my hands back on her waist pulling her flush against me. One of her hands finds its way into my hair and I can't hold back the moan when her fingers gently scrape my scalp.

Finally realizing where I am, I gently push her away. "We can't do this here," I look at her again, I'm met with disappointment and sadness in her eyes. My hands are still in front of my body. She nods her head. She turns around but just before she reaches the door she faces me again,

"Don't break my heart, Olivia Benson." I can see a single tear roll down her cheek and she quickly wipes it away.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

**Hey guys, here's the next chapter, and also the closing of the first part of this story! Enjoy and don't forget to give me some feedback! I'm surprised by all the response I've gotten and I hope you guys still enjoy this! **

**This story is beta'd by Kristin324, be sure to check out her Calzona story, it's amazing!**

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><p>Olivia's POV<p>

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><p>After Amanda left my office I took a moment to collect myself. I sat back behind my desk and trailed my lips with my finger, the tingling feeling of the kiss still present there. <em>Don't break my heart, Olivia Benson<em>. I let out a sigh, running my hand through my hair. _I will not be your secret lover, Olivia_. Her words kept spinning through my head. I want to be with her, I do. But how am I going to let Brian go without breaking his heart? Without hurting him? Once again a knock on the door brings me back to the here and now.

"Liv, some woman is asking for you." Amaro looks at me from the doorway and I know that he can tell something is on my mind. He continues, "Are… Are you alright?" his eyes squint for a split second.

"Yeah, Nick, I'm fine. I'll be right there, okay?" He nods his head and closes the door as he leaves.

I slide my chair back and rest my palms against my desk, take a deep breath, and roll my head around to get rid of some of the tension that's been building in my neck. I stand up and leave the office, leaving my personal problems behind.

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><p>Amanda's POV<p>

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><p>After I left her office I went straight to the bathroom to throw some cold water in my face and get my act together. When I walked out I saw her guide a woman into one of the interrogation rooms. I furrow my brows in curiosity. I sit down and turn my head towards Amaro.<p>

"Hey, who's that?" He looks at the interrogation room and then back at me.

"Oh, she was looking for Benson," clearly he doesn't know what's going on either.

Just a couple minutes after our brief conversations, Olivia walks out of the room in a hurry. The lady following her quickly.

"Put out at BOLO on Jeremy Hamilton," She looks at Fin. He nods.

"Amanda, track his phone and Amaro call his wife," we both nod and do what she asks of us without questioning her.

When she sits down behind her desk, the lady sits in the chair next to her desk and I can see the worry lines on her forehead, I know something serious is going on. She speaks up.

"Rollins, get this picture out to the press." She points at my computer. She stands up and addresses all of us.

"Okay guys, listen up," She looks around, checking if she got all the attention. "This here is Ms. Ballard and her 7 year old son went missing this morning. He never showed up at his friend's place. Her husband is a registered sex offender so you can see where I'm going with this. Seems that Mr. Hamilton is changing his MO. Amanda, where are you on the phone?"

She looks at me and I quickly close my mail, and check back on the screen to see where he's located.

"He's on Glenwood," I look again, searching for any building he could be headed for. Building that would function as a good hiding place. I see it. "There's an abandoned power plant," I look up and see her grabbing her coat. I follow her lead.

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><p>Olivia's POV<p>

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><p>We know where he is, and we know who he has. I'm trying hard to keep my head in the game but the fact that the life of a kid is at stake makes me panic and irrational. Any case that revolves around children, brings out the best and the worst in me. The worst because I will stop at nothing to make sure the kid is safe. I'll cross every line, break every law, and kill anyone necessary. It also makes me hyper alert of any situation which can be seen as the best. I enter the building with Amanda close behind me. Fin and Nick are taking the back entrance, and are searching the back part of the abandoned power plant.<p>

"Liv, listen," I stop moving as soon as Amanda finishes, and I see her point a finger towards the ceiling. I lower my gun, and concentrate my hearing towards the second floor trying to shut out any other sounds around me. I hear Amanda breath hallow behind me, _shut it out_. I hear water drip down a wall a couple of feet away, _shut it out._ I hear feet shuffle above me, _focus._ I hear a soft whimper, there he is. I look around and notice a staircase, leading to the second floor, in the middle of the room.

"He seems to be moving away from the staircase," I whisper and Amanda nods her head in understanding. I draw my gun once more and move towards the staircase. Knowing the Georgian detective has got my back, I don't have to look in any other direction than upstairs. I aim my gun at the empty space at the top of the stairs and slowly make my way up.

Suddenly I feel a hand tugging my arm. I turn my head around and see deep blue eyes full of fear.

"I got a bad feelin' 'bout this, Liv," Her voice barely a whisper, and so shaky I can barely understand. The confusion on my face must be showing, "we should wait for back-up," she continues a little stronger this time. I shake my head in disbelieve. Amanda is never the one to back out of a situation.

"Don't be ridiculous, he's no danger to us. He's a coward, who preys on kids. You think two bad asses like us can't handle one simple, pathetic man!?" I speak through gritted teeth. Anger getting the best of me. I give her a cold stare and she raises her hands in surrender, nodding her head towards the top of the stairs. "Good," I finish. Shaking my head once more.

We reach the top, and cover both sides of the hallway that runs around the stair case. She nods, letting me know her side is clear. I nod back, letting her know the same. I hear a sound coming from the other side of the hall and I run, I run as fast as I can.

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><p>Amanda's POV<p>

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><p>I see her take off as soon as the sound echoed through the building, and then a man steps out of the doorway she's about to pass, he hits her right in the face, she goes down. "LIV!" I scream and the man looks up. He grabs her and drags her in the room. I radio for back-up.<p>

**3 months later**

"Amanda, do you know who I am?" I ask without really wanting to know the answer. Seeing her trying so hard to remember who I am breaks my heart. "My name is Olivia Benson," I try to keep my voice steady, "we work together at NYPD, special v-victims unit." It breaks.

"I'm s-sorry but I don't know who you are," her eyes look at me intensely. Now it's not my voice that breaks, but my heart. In a million pieces on the floor of this damned hospital.

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><p>Olivia's POV<p>

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><p>I can't believe this is happening. She doesn't remember the last years she spent at SVU, she doesn't remember me. I look down at my hands in my lap, collecting myself before looking up again. I see her looking at me, confusion still etched on her face.<p>

"Olivia?" she frowns, "can I call you that, Ma'am?" I smile softly.

"Yes, Amanda, you can call me that," now it's my turn to frown. "Can I call you Amanda?"

She nods her head gently before flinching in pain. I stand up quickly, next to her bed in a split second. "Are you alright?" I look over her quickly to assess the situation.

"Yeah, yeah, I- uhm, I'm fine. Please, sit down." I do as she says and sit down in the too familiar chair. "Just a headache," she continues as she reaches her hands up to her head. She gasps as she touches the bandage that's wrapped around her head. "What happened?" She looks at me again.

The only people I spoke to after the shooting, about the shooting, was internal affairs. They had interrogated me like I was the one that shot her. I remember the anger that boiled in the pit of my stomach and the guilt that made my heart ache. I felt responsible for her getting shot, I still do. But I can't turn back time and I can't change what happened. The past is in the past. I take a deep breath.

"You got shot, Amanda." I tell her the whole story from the moment we entered the building until the moment she went into surgery. I tell her we found the boy in the room connected to the one she got shot in, I noticed how she smiled, no matter the situation she was in she still cared more about the victim that we rescued. I can't help the tears that fall and I can't always keep my voice in check. I left out the kisses we shared, it just wouldn't be fair to her. I didn't tell her about Brian or anything about my personal life, really. We get another chance at getting to know each other. God knows, I didn't treat her right when she first started at SVU. She's still staring at me with her mouth slightly agape. Her hands moved to her stomach.

"H-how long?" She asks.

"3 months," I answer softly, looking down again. I can't possibly know what's going through her right now.

"3 months," she repeats. "How long was I in New York before… before all this happened?"

"2 years," I swallow. She lost 2 years' worth of memories. Good and bad.

"Are we friends, Olivia?" A tear rolls down her face. I swallow again.

"Uhm, I don't really know how to answer that." I honestly don't. It was only a month before she got shot that we started to really get to know each other. "Amanda, you're a very private person and when you first got to our unit, I was going through some personal stuff and probably wasn't the friendliest person you could run into. We got onto a bad start but just before you got shot, we started to get to know each other on a more… uhm… personal level." I wipe away a tear that rolled down my cheek.

"Okay, that's fair enough," she smiled sadly, "can I ask you something though?" I nod my head to answer her question.

"Anything," I smile softly at her.

"Where's my baby?" her voice was barely audible but it hit me like a bomb. "Two weeks before I accepted the job in New York, I-I found out I was p-pregnant." Her voice broke and tears streamed down her face. Amanda never spoke of being pregnant or having a baby. Never.

I stood up and walked towards the sink, still in shock over what I just heard. I poured myself a glass of water and turned around. Leaning my back against the sink. Letting my tears run freely, not caring about who would see me or what they would think. All I could think about was this young, blonde, sweet woman who must have gone through so much more than we, her colleagues, could ever imagine. Including losing a baby.

"Amanda, sweetheart, I never even knew you were pregnant."

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><p><strong>CLIFFHANGER! ha. I promise to get back to you soon! Once again, thank you for hanging in there! I'd really love to know where you think this story should go, any advicefeedback is welcome!**

**Thank you!**

**- B.**


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Thank you guys for the reviews, follows, and favorites! Means a lot! :) On with the story... Warning for mentions of rape, nothing extreme, just putting it out there to be on the save side.

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><p><strong>Amanda's POV<strong>

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><p>"You are getting a second chance, 'Manda, you can look at this situation as one of the worst things that has ever happened to you or you can see it as a second chance." Her sad smile, saddens me.<p>

"Do I need a second chance, Detective? Did I screw the last two years up so bad that it's a good thing that I forget what all happened?" I let out a sob and I feel her grip tighten on my arm. My hand squeezing her in return.

Realization downed on me. Mixed feelings started to make their way through my mind, It's been two years. I never told anyone because… Because there was no baby? What happened? I look up to the brunette that's sitting next to my bed. I have to go, I have to find out what happened. I couldn't have aborted my own baby, could I? I need to leave, now. I need to. My breathing is getting shallow and I feel drops of sweat forming on my forehead. Suddenly a hand on my arm pulls me out of my panic.

"Amanda, take it easy. You'll be alright." Her eyes find mine and immediately a sense of calm falls over me. I take a deep breath.

"That's it, there you go. Deep breaths." There's something so familiar about that voice. My breathing is going back to normal and my body temperature is lowering. I take another deep breath and realize that her hand is still on my arm. Her thumb absentmindedly stroking my arm.

"What happened," I swallow, "Did I lose my baby?" I turn my head to look at her. Her face is one of concern, one of compassion, and one of hurt.

"I don't know, Amanda, I don't know," She shakes her head gently, her eyes filling with tears. I reach for her hand with my own and hold it. We must have gotten pretty close, if she's sitting next to me, crying.

"It's okay, I was a private person." She nods in confirmation. I continue, "Maybe I don't want to know what happened," She nods again before she speaks.

"You are getting a second chance, 'Manda, you can look at this situation as one of the worst things that has ever happened to you or you can see it as a second chance." Her sad smile, saddens me.

"Do I need a second chance, Detective? Did I screw the last two years up so bad that it's a good thing that I forgot what all happened?" I let out a sob and I feel her grip tighten on my arm. My hand squeezing her in return.

"No, not at all. Not at all." She bends forward, towards the bed. "You had it rough, I'm not going to lie to you. But clearly I didn't know all of it." I lower my head in disappointment. Not in her, but in me. I know why I became so private, and why I decided to not share my personal life with my colleagues. But they don't. I must have seem so cold.

"I'm so sorry for shutting you out." I look her in the eyes. Wanting her to know how much I mean those words. She just smiles sadly. "Why don't you tell me about the last two years? How's Franny?" I give her a small smile in return. Trying to lighten the subject, hoping in my heart that she doesn't just have bad things to tell me.

"I have Franny, most of the time, she's been moving between me and your partner Fin. She's going to be so excited to see you," A genuine smile appeared on her face. She's probably just as anxious talking about this as I am. The moment I mentioned my pregnancy, I knew I dropped a bomb on her. Shock had been on her face, unbelief. Before my thoughts stray I hear her speak, A voice so familiar but so unknown at the same time, "The day you started at SVU we were up to our necks in this horrible case…"

_**A couple of hours later**_

It was nice to have someone to talk to. She told me mostly about work, cause that's all she knew. This was fine with me cause I don't think I could handle more bad news right now. I'd been listening but my mind kept wanderin' off. Wonderin' about the baby I lost, what had happened. Wonderin' if he knew, not only about the baby, but also about where I was. Every now and then I picked some stuff up, she told me about my sister, and about how she screwed me over. Which is no surprise. We always had this strange love/hate relationship. But no matter what, she'll always be my sister. The only reason they knew about her was because I basically got arrested for the murder of her boyfriend. That's great.

She told me about Fin, Amaro, Munch, Cragen, and how badly they wanted to see me. I told her they could come over later today, my headache was killing me and I figured I should get some sleep. It's alot to take in. I know these people are supposed to be my family, my friends. But I have never met them, at least, I can't remember them. The doctor told me that there's a big chance I'll never remember and I shouldn't get my hopes up. Part of me wishes I couldn't remember for more than two years, the truth about my baby could be ugly. Part of me wishes I could remember 'cause there's a lot of feelings going on that I can't place. Every time Olivia touches me, a powerful surge would rush through my body. Had I been crushing on a straight woman again?

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><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

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><p>I left the room and started walking through the long hallway, that led to the exit, after telling Amanda what all happened the last 2 years. I tried to keep it positive but some things just had to be told, or she had asked about it. Like the situation with her sister. I didn't want to tell her, afraid of how she might react. Afraid it might make her upset and hurt all over again, like she was when it just happened. Again, I hate myself for not being there for her the way I should have been. It was hard to realize that I only know her professional life. There's this whole other Amanda that I don't know anything about. How did we even think we could be dating when we don't even know each other? But then I think back to our kiss and the intimate moments we shared… there was a reason why we considered it. Just thinking about it makes the pit in my stomach flutter. There is also the fact that we'd been trying to open up, before she got shot she had confessed her love for me. Asked me not to break her heart, the memory still haunted me. Now, she doesn't remember. Now, she doesn't even know me. My heart aches, realization dawning on me. This could be a second chance but it could also mean that Amanda will never feel that way about me again. That she won't fall in love with me, that I'll never feel her lips against mine again. I stop when I feel tears threatening to fall, I lean my back against the wall. Hold my head in my hands and slid down. I don't care who walks by, who sees me like this. All I care about is the woman laying in that damn hospital bed and the feelings that she might never get back.<p>

"Detective?" I quickly wipe my cheeks before looking up. It's Amanda's nurse, the one who basically took care of me as well. She brought me meals and woke me up whenever I dozed off, afraid I would lose track of time and show up late for work. "Are you okay?"

I nod my head as I stand up, taking the hand she's offering me, "yeah-" wiping away a stray tear that's rolling down my cheek, "yeah, just... you know... relieved she woke up and she seems to be good," she gives a small smile.

"She has a good partner in you, detective, I'm sure deep down she knows that," she starts to walk away but stops and turns, "don't lose hope, Olivia, some people get their memories back."

She's right, just because she doesn't remember now doesn't mean she never will. I take in a deep breath, and quickly fix my hair before I continue my walk down the hallway. I turn left and exit the hospital with a smile on my face. Amanda's awake and that's all that's important.

_**At the Precinct **_

"What's a girl got to do to get some attention around here," I chuckle. I had been standing there for a solid minute and they still hadn't noticed me.

"Wow, aren't you in a good mood, Detective" Fin smirks and then continues, "we're all catching up on our paperwork." his smirk turned into a face of confusion. "Why are you in such a good mood?"

"Amanda woke up!" I practically yell. Nick and Finn are instantly on their feet, ready to grab their coats. Than it sinks in that I have to tell them that she doesn't remember. "Guys, settle down." Fin's face falls as he notices that my mood suddenly changed again. "Take a seat, I'm going to get Cragen, I'll explain everything when we get back." I nodded at their confused and concerned looks and walked over to the sergeants office. I stepped down as sergeant as soon as they told me Amanda was in a coma, Cragen was happy to come back. I knocked on his door and opened it, "Sir, do you have a minute? I have something to share with you and the boys." I nod towards the squad room. I leave and wait till he also made his way over.

"Amanda woke up," once again I saw their faces lit up, "but... uhm... well, I'm just going to come straight out with it. She doesn't remember the last 2 years," Fin's mouth literally falls open and Nick just looks even more confused than he was before. Cragen's head is hanging down and when I looked closely I saw a tear roll down his cheek. I continued, "the last thing she remembers is taking the job but according to her, she didn't make it here yet.

Fin was the first to react, "she doesn't remember us?" I shake my head and he now too, lowers his head.

"Will she remember?" Is Nick's first question.

"The doctors can't say that for sure. Some do, some don't, we'll have to stay hopeful," I nod my head.

"How is she, though? Is everything, you know, working?" Fin speaks up again, his eyes filled with tears and his hands gesturing towards his upper body and legs.

"Everything seems to be functioning fine, her reflexes are good, and she has feeling in her legs. Her state of mind, too. Honestly, I don't know how she's holding up right now but she seems calm and she would like to meet you guys." both Fin and Nick's face's light up.

Cragen clears his throat, "you told her about us?" He had been surprisingly quite.

"Yeah, she wanted me to fill her in on the last two years, so I told her about you guys. Left out the really bad stuff, doc says it might be too much for her right now. We don't want to mess with her head. She asked about her sister so that's basically the only thing I told her. I told her what great of a detective she is and about Franny. Keep it light for now, okay?" They all nodded their heads.

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><p><strong>Amanda's POV<strong>

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><p><em><strong>Mean time at the hospital<strong>_

Just after Olivia left I called my friend in Atlanta. I needed to know what happened to my baby.

She told me that I had lost it just after I arrived in New York, that I had went to the doctor and they had told me I lost it due to stress. She told me that my "one-night-stand" never even found out I was pregnant. That's what I told everyone, I had an one-night stand and got pregnant. That's not exactly what happened but no one needs to know. It's what makes me good at my job, it's what thrives me to go to places someone else would never go, just to catch the guys who hurt other people.

I would never abort my child but these circumstances were different. The moment I found out I was pregnant was one of the hardest and toughest in my life. I was pregnant with some asshole's baby, the father of my child was not someone I was willing to be attached to for the rest of my life. He had hurt me, in the worst way possible. I started shaking, just thinking back at what had happened. Tears started streaming down my face and it became harder to breathe. Flashes of images hit me like blows to the head. His hands around my neck. My head started throbbing. The sound of his belt buckle. My heart was racing. The sharp pain that shot through my body as he invaded me, invaded my hopes and dreams and destroyed them, invaded me as a person. Everything turned black.

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><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

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><p>We turned the corner that would lead to Amanda's room. The boys were bantering about how they would introduce themselves. It is hard, having to introduce yourself to someone you've known for 2 years without getting to personal. A sound makes me look up from where I was starring at my feet, nurses are running into Amanda's room and some red light is blinking above her door. I throw my arm in front of the guys, "wait here," they follow my gaze and don't ask any questions.<p>

I run towards her room when I see her nurse walking out of the room. "Annie!" I yell to get her attention, "what's going on?"

She walked over towards me, "She lost consciousness, we're not sure but it looks like she had a panic attack."

My mind is running a thousand miles per hour, "is she going to be alright?" I place my hands on hips, breathing out to bring my own heart rate back to normal.

"We won't be sure till she wakes up, again, unfortunately. This combined with the severe head injury she suffered 3 months ago-" she sucked in a short breath, "we can't make any promises, Olivia," she said with a sad look in her eyes.

I let my hands fall next to my body. Not again, we just had her back. She had been fine when I left her, what had gotten her so upset that she had a panic attack? I feel a stray tear, once again, trail down my cheek. I wipe it away before turning towards my team members who are impatiently waiting for me. Once I reach them, they already know I'm coming to bring bad news. Luckily it's not as bad as they might thought it had been.

"I'm afraid now's not a good time. She uh... she had a panic attack and is- is unconscious at the moment. She'll wake up but they don't know what the consequences might be." I swallow hard before passing the boys and walking fast towards the exit of the hospital. She can't do this to me, she can't leave me. Not like this, not without knowing how I feel about her. Not knowing that I want to get to know her so much better. All these months I've been so afraid to lose her, then she wakes up and pulls a stunt like having a panic attack! I can't believe I'm mad at someone who took a bullet to the head for me. These days, I don't even know how I feel anymore. It's been one hell of a ride and I have a feeling that it's not going to get any better anytime soon

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><p>Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think! :)<p>

- B.


	11. Chapter 11

**Here we are, once again! :) Enjoy and please, please, please leave a review. Seriously, I need some motivation! :) **

**- B.**

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><p><strong>Amanda's POV<strong>

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><p><em>"What are you doing, Amanda?" I hear a voice but I don't see the person who's asking me. It's clear as day, like the person is standing right behind me. It's soft but strong. <em>

_"What do you mean?" I answer and I look around and notice I'm not in a hospital bed anymore. I'm in a field, a beautiful piece of land that's filled with white wild flowers._

_"You can't do this," again the angelic voice answers. I look around once more and my surroundings change. A dark fog is closing in on me. _

_"Do what!?" I start to panic, it's getting harder to breath, like the darkness is sucking all the air as it's surrounding me. My legs start moving, I'm running towards nothing. There's no escape._

_"Run." The voice speaks even louder this time._

_I stop. I need to stop running. _

_"Okay, what do I do instead," I close my eyes, not wanting to see the darkness, not willing to be consumed by it._

_"Face it," I open my eyes. It's like I have no choice but to do what the voice tells me to. She continues, " face your fears, your secrets. Face it and it'll free you. It will free you from the darkness in your life."_

_"I can't," I answer her, my throat feeling thick with the emotions that are trying to come out._

_"You can, if you let yourself." _

_"Who are you?" The voice sounds familiar, so familiar but again I can't put a face to it. _

_"A friend." She answers and at those words I get sucked into a hole that formed beneath me. I have nothing to hold on to, nothing to grasp. I fall, and fall, and fall._

I wake up and I'm in my hospital bed again. Olivia's hands are holding mine and her head is laying on top of them, she's sleeping. I think about the dream I have. I have to stop running, face my fears, face my secrets and it'll set me free. The last thing I remember before falling is sleep, is a pressure on my chest. Then I remember the thoughts that came with it. I need to stop running. I need to face it.

"I was raped," whispering the words out loud for the first time since it happened, felt like a weight being lifted of my shoulder. "I was raped," A little louder this time. I don't know if I confided in someone when I was in New York, but I know I haven't spoken about it back in Atlanta. I feel the brunette move, and I look at the clock on the wall. It's in the middle of the night, I try to lay as still as possible, trying not to wake Olivia. Who's probably been here ever since I blacked out. How long has it been? My hands are shaking, I'm not sure if it's because of what I said, of what I dreamed or because of my injuries but I can't seem to still the hand that she's using as a pillow. I stare at her, watching her move some more before she lifts her head up, slowly.

"Good morning," I speak, making her aware that I'm awake. My voice again, nothing more but a whisperer, it takes a lot of energy to speak louder. To speak clearly. She rubs her eyes and I'm not sure if she heard me.

I cough softly before speaking again, "Good morning," This time her head quickly turns to face me, her mouth hanging open in shock.

"You're awake!?" She gasps.

"It seems that way, unless we're both dreaming," I chuckle. A sad smile appeared on her face.

"We- We weren't sure if you were going to." She strokes my hand with her thumb.

"How long have I been out for now?" I ask, my voice soft again.

"3 days," she looks down before quickly looking up again, "Do you, uhm, do you remember who I am?" her eyes widen a little bit, she's afraid. Afraid I don't remember her, afraid that we're back to square one.

"Yes," I smile, "Olivia."

She lets out a smile and relief washes over her face.

"3 days, huh?" I nod my head a little bit.

"Yeah," she nods her head too.

"Anything exciting happened while I was out?"

"We've got a new case," a buzz of excitement runs through my body.

"what you got?" I feel myself snap in detective mode.

"Whoa, hold on there tiger. You're in the hospital, you know I can't share information with you." She holds her hand out in front of her, palms up.

"Why not?" I raise one eyebrow, challenging her.

"You-uh, I... Well, you just suffered a severe trauma," she looks down, sadness etched across her face.

"That was 3 months ago, Liv," I take in a short breath in shock, and as soon as the shortening of her name rolls off my lips her head snaps up.

"You called me Liv," she looks at me like a miracle just happened.

"Yes," I nod, " yes, I did."

"Do you remember calling me Liv?" She asks hopeful.

"No," Now it's my turn to look down.

"That's okay, at least we know it's still there, right?"

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>Seeing her look down when I ask her if she remembers calling me 'Liv', saddens me. It was nice to have this banter back again, to actually hold a conversation without having all the emotions and hard feelings combined with it.<p>

"Yeah," she looks up and nods her head, agreeing with what I just said. "You know, working a case with you guys might actually joggle my memory," the smirk on her face makes me chuckle.

"Oh yeah?" I ask, raising one eyebrow.

"Yeah, Doctors told me," She smiles softly.

"Did they now?"

"Sure did, Ma'am."

"Was this during your 3 months or 3 days of unconciousness?" I gawk her reaction and see her laugh in surprise, the sound fluttering my heart. It's so good to hear her laugh again, it's been too long.

"You got me there, detective." Her laughter dies down before she speaks up again. "So, what are you doing here, if there's a case?" her tone serious.

"I'm not on it," I answer her honestly and she cocks her head to the side.

"Why not?" her facial expression turning into one of curiosity.

"Cause I'm here with you, I don't want you to be alone." After everything that happened, I decided to be honest with her. Always. Yes, I'm holding things behind but with time I will tell her about them. She's not ready, she needs to heal first. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

"Are you out of your mind?" she asks in disbelief. "Come on, Olivia, I'm a big gal. I won't do anythin' stupid. Plus, I'll probably be h-" her eyes widen again in shock.

"What?" I look at her, see if she's physically alright, she is. She so is. I snap back to reality, "What is it?"

"I don't know where my home is." A pang of sadness before I look her in the eyes.

"When the time comes for you to go home, I'll take you." I grasp her hand with both of mine. Smiling at her, with the most genuine smile I could muster.

"Thank, Liv," she smiles sadly. We hold each others gazes for a moment, both silent. I see a questioning look in her eyes, but I decide to let it go. If she wants to ask me something, she will. Whenever she's ready. I'll be here.

"My pleasure," I answer her.

"But honestly, you should go and work that case." She removes her hand from between mine and puts it on top. "And then, when you come back, you can tell me all about it." She smiles.

I nod, "You're right," she is but I don't want her to be. I'm afraid to leave her side, scared something will happen to her and I'm not here.

"I'll be fine," as if she read my thoughts, she waves away my concerns. "I promise," she adds and I give her a smile in return.

"If you need anything, anything at all, you call me, alright?" She nods. I stare at her for another moment before getting up and grabbing my jacket. I walk towards the door but before I step over the threshold I look back one more time.

She's awake, and she's going to be alright.

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><p><strong>Amanda's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>After Olivia left, I called for a nurse. Only 2 minutes passed before she walks in, it's Annie. I know her from the day that I woke up after 3 months.<p>

"Amanda! How are you feeling?" Her excitement to see me is contagious.

"I'm really good, honestly. I think I'm ready to go home, wherever that is." I chuckle and so does she.

"Well, I think the same thing. It's a miracle how well you recovered from your injuries." She nods and grabs my charts at the foot end of my bed. "Everything seems fine, the blood work we took from you is good. All your tests are clear, I'll talk to the doctor when I see him, okay?" I nod and she leaves my room.

Excitement starts to fill my chest, I'm ready to go home. Ready to start my second chance and whatever it's going to throw at me.

_**A couple of hours later.**_

The doctor walks in and holds out his hand. "Hi, Detective Rollins, I'm doctor Williams," I shake his hand and he gives me a reassuring smile. "I hear from Annie that you feel good enough to go home?"

"Yes, I do." A short answer, not wanting him to chance his mind. A smile for him addressing me as a detective, not as a patient

"I see," he, just like my nurse, grabbed the chart and starts reading the information on it. "Everything seems fine, but I do have to press that this was a very severe head injury. I know you suffered memory loss and I would like to monitor this closely-"

I interrupt him, "I'll come by everyday, if that's what you need me to do." I give him a resolute nod.

He laughs softly, "You're eager to get home, aren't you?" I nod again.

"Yes, Doctor, I am."

"Here's how it's going to go," he takes a deep breath before moving from my foot end to the side of the bed. "You'll come in for a check-up everyday and you'll go to physical therapy... Let me see... 3 times a week. You've been comatose for 3 month and your body will need some help to restart. Does that sound agreeable to you?"

"As long as I get to be home, I'll do anything you tell me to do." He writes something down in my chart before looking up.

"Also I want you to see a psychologist 2 times a week to help you with your memory loss," I sigh, "I know detectives don't enjoy talking to someone but since you're missing 2 years of your life, I demand it."

I just nod. Not happy with the last assignment. Then the dream comes back to me. Face your fears, face your secrets, it'll set you free. Maybe this is just what I need.

"So when do I get to go home, Doc?" I smile.

"I'll get the paperwork ready, say... an hour or so?" He holds his hand out again.

"Thank you Doctor, for everything."

"Is someone going to come pick you up? I'm not comfortable with you driving yourself," He checks my chart once again. "Your emergency contact information says, Olivia Benson, do you need me to contact her?"

"No, I'll take a cab home, Sir. I'll be just fine." He nods and starts to leave before I stop him. "Did I have any personal belongings on me when I was brought in?" He points towards the small dresser that's next to my bed. I smile.

"Thank you," I give him a small wave before he leaves.

I throw my legs over the side of my bed, carefully standing on my two feet. I gave myself a second or two to get used to the feeling and took a step. This went easier than I thought it would. I take another step, and another one. I keep stepping till I feel comfortable. Once it feels natural I walk towards the dresser and open the top drawer. There's my badge, my wallet, and my phone. I grab the last item and try to turn it on. It's dead. I grab my wallet and look for any information that will reveal where I live. Nothing. There's a business card in there with my name on it and the address of the precinct. That will do. I return to my bed and sit down, letting out a breath. I was exhausted from the short walk around my room. I picked up the hospital phone next to the bed and ordered a cab for in an hour. I looked down at myself and saw the horrifying hospital gown I was wearing. Shit, I can't go out like this. I stood up once more and walked to the dresser again. Opening the second dresser I found clothing that supposedly were mine. I took them and slowly made my way over to the bathroom to put on the new clothes I just found.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>"They matched the semen to a guy named Jared Goodwill," I spoke out loud as I walked back into the squad room. Fin was sitting behind his computer and Amaro was nowhere to be seen.<p>

"Funny name," I could hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"Yeah," I nod my head in agreement before settling down behind my desk.

My head should be totally focused on this case but I can't keep it from wandering off to Amanda. She'd seemed a lot better when I left her in the hospital. We had made some small talk and it just felt... good. It felt normal. Like nothing changed. But it did. She doesn't remember how close, or at least, how intimate we had become over the last couple of months leading up to her incident. Due to the recent events I realized we have never been close. My phone rings and it startles me. I look at the caller ID and I sigh, still, I answer.

"Hi," I say shortly already knowing who it is.

"Hey, babe, I haven't heard from you in awhile." It was a statement but I can hear the resentment in his voice.

"Yeah, things have been crazy," I answer not going into detail, simply because I don't feel like talking to him.

"Crazy enough that you don't have time for your boyfriend?" I sigh, annoyance eating away inside me.

"Yeah, actually..." Another short answer from me, can he take a hint?

"How's Amanda?" I'm surprised by his question, he's never really asked about her. I'm always the one bringing her up and updating him about her status.

"She woke up a couple of days ago, she doesn't remember the last two years... hence the crazy." I figured I would give him some more information so he would get off my back.

"That's great, I mean, it's great that she woke up. Will she ever remember?" He seemed genuinely interested.

"That's a good question, Brian, if I find out the answer, I'll tell you," I can't help but snarl at him.

"You seem off, Liv..." I feel a little guilt for how I've been treating him. It's not his fault I developed feelings for Amanda, nor is it his fault she got shot.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just stressed and tired and... I don't know." I try to answer honestly but what I really want to say is. I'm done with you. I'm over you. I don't love you anymore the way I did.

"Come home, Liv, come home to me." He basically begs me.

"I can't Brian, we're working on a case and Amanda needs me." I sigh again.

"Amanda doesn't even remember you!" His voice raises and my annoyance turns into anger. I decide I should not have this conversation in the squad room and walk into the hallway.

"So what, Brian!? That means I should just give up on her!? Or not be there for her!? You're a selfish ass, you know that!?" I hear him sigh this time and we both know where our relationship is headed.

"She's not your girlfriend, Olivia. She's not the one you're supposed to come home to, I am." I know he's right, but that doesn't mean I can't be there for her.

"I don't want to come home to you," I speak softly, there it is. The truth comes out even though I didn't mean for it to roll out of my mouth. He's silent for a long, and emotion filled couple of seconds.

"I'll be out of your house by the end of the day," The dial tone tells me he hung up and with that, a weight is lifted of my shoulders. I can't even feel sad about it, we've been fighting for months. We barely saw each other but when we did we would have our long arguments about me visiting Amanda, about me working too much. In return I would tell him that he worked too much, that he was selfish, and didn't think about my life, and my wishes. He would shrug it off and go watch television in the bedroom while I was sipping my red wine in the livingroom. We were together but living our lives separately. We were a couple but acted like we were single. I never cheated on him, but I'm pretty sure he crossed the line with a girl once or twice.

I returned to the quad room and manage to avoid Fin's penetrating gaze. I busy myself on the computer, filing paperwork that came with our recent case.

"Aren't you suppose to be out with Amaro? Picking up Mr. Goodwill?" I suddenly realize I missed the part of what happened with the case.

"Munch and Amaro are on it," He sniggers knowingly.

"Munch, ha? Couldn't stay away." I shake my head, with a smile on my face.

"Nope," he laughs but suddenly it stops. I look up and follow his line of sight.

"Amanda!?" I quickly stand up, "What are you doing here?"

'This is the only address I found in my wallet. I figured this place was what I probably called home."

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><p><strong>BOOM. That was another chapter of Remembering You, Remembering Me! :) <strong>

**Hope you enjoyed this and please let me know! Reviews is Chapters! :) **


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hey guys, I know I know I know, it's been awhile! But I started writing articles for a Law and Order: SVU website! lawandordersvufans . com so please, come check it out! I'm still trying to get it up to date. You can also follow me on tumlr: lawandordersvufans and on twitter lawandordersvuf! Again, reviews keep me going and since I barely got any on the last one I feel like this story is coming to an end, what do you guys think?**

**Anyway, let me know! :) **

**Ps. My lovely wife Kristin324 beta'd this story! I love you, honey *insert heart here***

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><p><strong>Amanda's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>I walk towards the Latino that's standing next to Olivia, "you must be Nick?" He checked me out. I offer him my hand.<p>

He shakes it and a smile appears on his face, "Uh, yes, that would be me." He looks a Olivia who is still just staring at me.

"I take it I don't have to introduce myself, right? Since you've known me for the last couple of years," I playfully punched him in the shoulder. He smiles at me and looks at Olivia funny. I turn my head,

"You're lookin' beautiful today, Olivia" I give her a once over and can't help the small smirk that appears on my face. I hear Nick cough, clearly to hide his amusement before he walks away. I look around the room and the familiarity falls over me. I literally feel at home. I let out a sigh and look back at the brunette once again. She really is beautiful. I wonder if she's seeing anyone, but decide not to ask that out loud. "You can stop starin' now," I snicker. She stands up and moves close to me, she whispers through gritted teeth,

"What are you doing here?" Her voice isn't laced with anger but more with concern.

"I'm fine, Liv, honestly." I look around again, kinda hoping I would know which ones of these desks were mine. But nothing. The only thing that tells me I've been here before is my gut feeling. The feeling that screams "home" at me. It's like walking into a room full of people and just knowing where the person you're looking for is. It's coming home after a long day, smelling the scent of your loved one. Wait, did I have a loved one in New-

"Amanda," Olivia waves her hand in front of my face and snaps me back to reality. "You don't seem so fine to me." She raises her eyebrow.

"My mind just drifts off sometime," I offer her a comforting smile, "I was just ready to leave the hospital, you know?" I turn away from her and walk around the squad room. "Which one is mine?" She follows my every move, I can feel it. I turn around and meet her gaze. She points her finger towards the one across from her.

"That one," She has a concerned smile on her face, "Where's your head at?" She asks softly, closing the distance between us once more as I sit down behind my desk. She sits down on the corner of my desk and I stare at her thigh.

"You want a honest answer?" I smirk. She nods slowly, "you," I say, feeling a blush creep up my cheeks. I see that she is taking back by surprise.

"Me?" She asks, I nod in conformation. "What about me?" I can hear the curiosity in her voice.

"Are you seeing anyone?" It's like I can't stop myself. Words just blurt out, no matter how embarrassing. Her mouth falls open and quickly closes.

"Uhm..." She stands and takes a step away from my desk. "Actually... No, I... We broke up today," She looks down but it's not out of sadness. I'm having a hard time reading her facial expressions.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She looks up again.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Amanda." She nods before taking a step towards my desk again.

"Was it a mutual decision?" I ask, once again no filter.

"Not really, I think I've know for quite some time that it wasn't going to work out. He clearly thought it would." She gives an empathic smile. So she does care for the man.

"If I was with you I would never want it to end either," Damn word-vomit. I quickly look away, blushing. No matter what I would say next, I could never fix what I just said.

She just smiles before walking towards her desk. She grabs the jacket that was draped on the back of her chair and looks at me.

"Lets get you home, there's nothing you can do here yet." She is prepared for me to argue with her. I see it in her eyes.

"Yeah, okay." I stand up and look around the room once again. _I'm going to be just fine._ Olivia is once again surprised and I laugh. "I guess I'm not the same, ha?" She shakes her head.

"Nah... you're better." She stares me in the eyes for a second and then quickly walks past me before I can come up with something to say back to her.

* * *

><p><strong>Olivia Pov<strong>

* * *

><p>I sway past Amanda and make my way to the elevators. I look back and see her standing where I last left her. "Are you coming?" I smirk. She shakes her head slightly,<p>

"Yes, I'm right behind you." I push the button on the elevator and feel her moving to stand next to me.

"You ready to go home?" I ask, my voice laced with sympathy. It must be so strange for her to go home to a house she's been living in for two years but doesn't remember it at all.

"I guess so," She giggles softly.

"What's funny?" I ask curious.

"Well, it kinda depends on what state I left it in. I really don't feel like cleaning." I chuckle.

"If that's the case, I'll help you." I look at her and return the soft smile. I notice the protective hand placed on her belly, she follows my gaze and quickly removes her hand.

"Old habit, I guess," I nod sadly. Old wounds that are now so fresh. The pain of losing a baby, I can't imagine. Though I've lost people close to me, never my own child. The elevator's ding rushes us back to life, we both get in in silence as we stand next to each other. I push yet another button and let out a sigh.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that," I let my head hang and stare at my fingers that are playing with the hem of my shirt. I hear her take in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry I didn't confide in you," I look up at her, surprised. That was not what I expected her to say.

"What do you mean?" Now, she looks down. Her voice so, so small.

"I saw the look on your face, when I asked you about my baby. You were hurt, and surprised." I turn my body towards her but before I can say anything the elevator opens and she steps out. I guess the old Amanda is still there.

"Wait," I tell her and she turns around, "Yes, I was surprised and hurt but not for the reasons you think I was." I see her raise an eyebrow, definitely not believing a word I'm saying, "I was surprised because I never..." I put my hands on her shoulders, "Never... noticed anything, I'm a detective for christ's sake. And I am hurt because the thought of you going through that all alone, well, it hurts me." A sad smile appears on her face. "Besides, it's not your fault you never told me," She scoffs.

"I think it is, Olivia." She turns her head away but I put a little bit more force on her shoulder, making her stay put.

"No, it's not, I never gave you a chance." My throat feels dry and I'm having a hard time swallowing. I feel a tear run down my cheek.

"Oh no," her voice sad, "Don't cry Liv, please," Her thumb wipes away the tear and I can't help but lean in to her touch.

"I wish I had given you a chance," I whisper and she closes the distance between us. Standing so close, I can feel her breath on my skin. I can feel her breasts touching mine, and her hands on my waist.

"Me too, cause I'm pretty sure I've been in love with you from the moment I saw you... two years ago." I look up. Almost losing myself in those blue, blue eyes.

"You remember?" I say, uncertain.

"No," She chuckles, "but what I'm feeling now can't just be from this last day." She smiles lovingly at me. I can't stop the tears running down my face. The thought of her being in love with me two years ago and me putting her down simply because she replaced Elliot seems so unfair right now. I must have hurt her so many times, broke her heart so many times. I didn't trust her, I didn't believe in her. And even when she proved me wrong, I never told her that. "Plus, I fell in love with you again the moment I opened my eyes and saw you sitting next to my bed." I fight against the sobs that try to make their way to the surface.

"It's okay, Olivia, if you don't feel the same." She shakes her head lightly.

"No, it's not that, its..." What was it? "It's the fact that it took me so long to figure it out. The fact that I was so unfair to you when you just got here. You'll never understand, you don't remember. But if you knew, you also wouldn't say this to me right now, I don't deserve you saying this to me." Tears still flowing from my eyes.

"It doesn't matter what happened then, we're here now. It's in the past. Maybe I'm glad I don't remember but you must have had a reason for the way you treated me. I might not even be the person you knew." She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. A sad smile on her face. She has changed, she definitely has but not in a way that I don't recognize her. She was all alone back then, she went through a lot on her own and now she's going through it again but she's not alone. I could have had this version of her all along, if only I had given her a chance two years ago.

"You are, but better," I smile and wipe away the tears with the back of my hand before placing it back on her shoulder. "There's not a lot I can say... Just that I'll be here for you. You don't have to go through this alone again."

"Don't blame yourself for everything, Liv, we both played a part in it." She steps back and her legs buckle slightly. I jump towards her, catching her before she can fall to the floor.

"Are you okay!?" My heart in my throat and my nerves on alert. Afraid I'll lose her again.

"Yeah, just a dizzy spell." Her hand tightens around my arm, finding her footing again.

"Let's get you home," I guide her towards my car and open the passenger door for her. I close it and make my way over to the driver's side.

* * *

><p><strong>Amanda's POV<strong>

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><p>I turn the key and open the door to my apartment. A fawn colored dog makes her way towards me, waving her tail excitedly from side to side. "Oh god, Frannie!" I scream. I pet her on the head and fall down to my knees holding her in my arms. "I missed you so much, baby girl!" She licks me all over my face, but I don't care. When Frannie and I calm down, I remember that Olivia is still standing behind me. I look back at her and she has a foolish grin on her face. "I'm sorry, come in." I take a step to the side. "You probably know where everything is," I let her pass me and follow her into my livingroom.<p>

"Actually, I've only been here one time before." She answers.

"Oh, well, then we'll figure it out together." I walk down the narrow hallway, on the right a small kitchen and straight ahead a spacious livingroom with one door on the left side. I take in a big breath and feel disappointed when nothing comes back to me. I've lived her for 2 years and nothing. I see Olivia putting my back, that she refused to give up, near the couch and turn around to face me. "It's funny, you know, I don't even remember movin' in here." Sadness falls over me. Two years of my life, lost, forgotten in time.

"I know, sweety," She walks towards me. "How about you get settled here and I'll come back tonight for dinner?" I smile at her.

"Sounds like a plan," My voice on the edge of breaking.

"Are you going to be alright?" Her voice laced with concern.

"Yeah, just..." I swallow hard, "a lot to take in." She nods her head.

"Yeah, take some time to adjust. I'll be back in a couple of hours." She squeezes my upper arm before stepping past me and making her way towards the front door.

"Liv," She stops, "Thank you," I smile and meet her at the front door.

"You're welcome, Amanda," She opens the door and steps out of it. I place my hand on her arm and stop her. I quickly step towards her and kiss her softly on her cheek. Staying there for a couple of seconds. Taking in her smell. The feel of her body close to mine,

_She leans in and closes her beautiful brown orbs. Her soft and tender lips brushing against mine when she freezes for a second. Then she pulls back and we both open our eyes. A small smile on her lips as she leans in again this time with a little bit more force behind it. Tilting our heads from side to side as this intimate moment grows more passionate. Her wanting lips parting slightly, giving me permission to enter. I stroke her bottom lip with my tongue and I hear her moan softly. My hands reach for her waist and she places her hand on my cheek, the other one on my shoulder. Our tongues touch for the first time. Softly and gently they move together in one of the most passionate kisses I ever had. She pulls back and leans her forehead against mine. I can see a smile on her face before she turns around and quickly walks out of the front door, closing it behind her._

"We kissed?" I say when the movie that's playing in my head stops. Her eyes surprised.

"Yes, we did," A spark of hope in her brown orbs.

"Wow," is all I can say.

"Yeah," She smiles.

"I think I need a cold shower now," I smirk at her and she breathes out a laugh.

"What else do you remember?" Her voices filled with curiosity, her body turning to face me.

"Hot and steamy sex," I need to test the water.

"That's funny, cause that wouldn't have been me." She bumps my shoulder.

"I had to try," I snicker, I shake my head, knowing this is a serious situation. "Nothing, that's all I remember. Maybe it's slowly coming back to me?" I question. Not knowing why this came back and not the rest.

"Maybe," She nods. "Call me whenever you need something okay?" She smiles.

"Yeah, and, thanks again," I lean my head against the opened door.

"You're welcome, now go take that cold shower." She turns around and walks away.

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><p>Review, review, review... PLEASE!<p> 


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